my best birthday ever…and the worst

Wow, December 9th 2000!  I had three AWESOME friends—Jenny, Ali and Alicia and they were great–probably the best friends I have ever had (and have now–at least Jen and Ali) anyway, I was newly single from fuckwad exhusband and then dumbass volleyball rebound dude…so I was SKINNY and loving it…and also incredibly manic.

I think it was a Wednesday, and I had planned a little after work party for the loyal employees of the bookstore I worked at…at a badass taproom type eatery/bar with the most AWESOME chicken wings and ribs (seriously awesome) and so, after about 5 yummy creamy bailey’s irish cream type drinks (i believe they were called scooby doos) I made my way over to the cutest bartender ever and tried unsuccesfully to flirt with him…but since his girlriend was a waitress, that didn’t work out..   he told me i should get my belly button pierced—and I did, right next door…and it hurt like hell, but i felt so GREAT!  So happy to be away from fuckwad ex and dumbass rebound dude I was flirty and cute and skinny and had lots of friends and a couple of really great friends.

I don’t think i will ever forget that birthday because i felt so good and happy.

I wish i felt that good and happy all the time.  That was 2000—in 2001, number 30, I was sitting in the hospital waiting room while my little kati-pie was having emergency heart surgery. Everyone was asking me how it felt to be 30 and i was like “are you freaking kidding me, my baby is in the hospital—i could care less that i am 30 years old.”Only 1 year later and my life had totally changed.

December 9, 2006, I literally wanted to die from the JC breakup–I stopped at one of the overlooks on the way to the babysitter’s house and seriously contemplated ramming my car through the chain link fence.  Thank god I didn’t–Thank my kids I didnt,  that break up kept me crying for 18 months, and now, 2008—I am a college graduate, my kids are a little fucked but mostly healthy (except for the strep throat we’ve had all week) and for the first time in my life i don’t feel the need to have a boyfriend.  Very liberating.

So, I am not as happy as i have been before, but i see happiness ahead of me somewhere and I know I will find it out there somewhere. I miss my friends so much and miss all the fun I used to have.  Miss being cute and really miss my sexy tummy.  Miss my kids being little and sweet.  But, truly honestly completely do not miss being 29.

The good thing is I am not nearly as sad as I have been before.  I’m in between but mostly happy for now.  Hoping depression d oesn’t creep back in.

summary—i’m fucking old, but have a few good years left in me

I’m pissed because—I miss JENNY.

I’m thankful for:  my kids–they are the only reason I didn’t kill myself two years ago—They have each saved me from myself more than once.

Did you see the moon tonight…badass…

It was beautiful, the crescent moon shining bright with venus and jupiter only a few feet away-(  Jupiter is 250 million miles away, venus is 94 million and the moon only 235,000…WOW.

We saw it on the drive home from picking up Kati with Ms. Eva-babysitter.  Its funny, I called another friend of mine to tell her and she was like…no big deal.  I think it is so weird when people don’t have natural curiosity about nature, or beauty-don’t you?

It is amazing to me to think about some family in Texas, 2000 years ago, finsihing their dinner and looking up at the moon with jupiter and venus and all the stars around and wondering if something was about to happen, if it was a sign of something good…or bad.  Did they freak out? Hide? Pray?  Smoke the good smoke and  imagine themselves up in space?

Amazing…

Even Savannah was excited and took her camera out to get pictures.  By the time i got home jupiter and venus were already behind the trees.

Kati asked me if we could look up online how many stars there are-she loves ask.com.  I told her that no one in the entire world except god knows how many stars there are.  She was amazed at that possibilty.  That no one knows.  I remember once sitting alone in the dark on the beach one night…bout stoned out of my mind, thinking that for every grain of sand i was sitting on their was at least one star in the sky.  Have you ever seen the stars from a beach 50 miles from any light source except flashlights?  It is amazing what you think you see in the city, even in my little country area, and then to go so much further away and really see it!

And some people can just sit in their homes and stare at the tv and not even bother to check it out.

God is so amazing.

Tonight I am thankful that God gave us the wonderful stars in the sky and that my two beautiful girls  both have enough wonder and curiosity in them to want to go out and see them and take pictures and talk about them.

summarry:  The stars at night, are big and bright…DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!!!   (and in other places, just better here)

I’m pissed because…my freaking dog Marley will not keep his ass off my laptop.  When I open it he thinks that means i want to pet him

BTW:  Both Kati and Savvy are asleep beside me tonight.  Sav is lonely and has been sleeping with me for two days now.

j