Did you see the moon tonight…badass…

It was beautiful, the crescent moon shining bright with venus and jupiter only a few feet away-(  Jupiter is 250 million miles away, venus is 94 million and the moon only 235,000…WOW.

We saw it on the drive home from picking up Kati with Ms. Eva-babysitter.  Its funny, I called another friend of mine to tell her and she was like…no big deal.  I think it is so weird when people don’t have natural curiosity about nature, or beauty-don’t you?

It is amazing to me to think about some family in Texas, 2000 years ago, finsihing their dinner and looking up at the moon with jupiter and venus and all the stars around and wondering if something was about to happen, if it was a sign of something good…or bad.  Did they freak out? Hide? Pray?  Smoke the good smoke and  imagine themselves up in space?

Amazing…

Even Savannah was excited and took her camera out to get pictures.  By the time i got home jupiter and venus were already behind the trees.

Kati asked me if we could look up online how many stars there are-she loves ask.com.  I told her that no one in the entire world except god knows how many stars there are.  She was amazed at that possibilty.  That no one knows.  I remember once sitting alone in the dark on the beach one night…bout stoned out of my mind, thinking that for every grain of sand i was sitting on their was at least one star in the sky.  Have you ever seen the stars from a beach 50 miles from any light source except flashlights?  It is amazing what you think you see in the city, even in my little country area, and then to go so much further away and really see it!

And some people can just sit in their homes and stare at the tv and not even bother to check it out.

God is so amazing.

Tonight I am thankful that God gave us the wonderful stars in the sky and that my two beautiful girls  both have enough wonder and curiosity in them to want to go out and see them and take pictures and talk about them.

summarry:  The stars at night, are big and bright…DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!!!   (and in other places, just better here)

I’m pissed because…my freaking dog Marley will not keep his ass off my laptop.  When I open it he thinks that means i want to pet him

BTW:  Both Kati and Savvy are asleep beside me tonight.  Sav is lonely and has been sleeping with me for two days now.

j

The fuckwad father of my kids…

So many of my friends are tired of listening to my rants about my exhusband…the fuckwad father of my two oldest kids.

Life with him was misery from Day 1-and I am sure I will get to many of those sordid details eventually.

July-I take Savannah to our hometown, where he still lives, to visit my family for a fourth of july shindig at the mudding pits (yes, you heard me, muddin’ pit-people who pay to take their trucks and four wheelers round and round in circles in waist deep piles of brown mud).  try it. its fun!

anyway, so fuckwad sees Sav and AJ all of 2 days that weekend, but she wants to stay and visit…so he tells me he can’t bring her all the way home so I have to meet him halfway-176 miles is halway.  I can’t because my car is in the shop and I have to take off work with nothing to drive all week…so, he says I will have to pay him 100 bucks to bring her home…after I had taken her all the way there, not only over the fourth, but also at Easter.  FUCKWAD.  But, I paid, because she wanted to stay and see friends and I needed a break.

She calls him a month ago and asks if he can come and get her for Thanksgiving and he says No because he only gets three days off work.  So, he can’t spend one day coming to get her and one day bringing her home, So i said i would meet him halfway.  Fucker decides to take call over the holiday so he can get overtime, which means he can’t come get her.  So, his parents meet me to take her and AJ to their house for Thanksgiving so they can see their cousins and friends.  He sees them 1 day for about 8 hours. Then, his parents bring them all the way home.  His mom told me because I always bring them home 4 times per year, they can bring them back to me on occasion.

I don’t know how i found such a loser, mostly because my self esteem was so bad as a teenager, and I fell so in love with him.  He started hitting me within a month after we married, kicked me in the stomach when i was pregnant with AJ, cheated on me with a 15 year old girl, cheated on me again when i was pregnant with sav., didn’t pay child support for 4 years until i had him arrested but the worst thing this son of a bitch fuckwad has done is not care about seeing his kids, not coming to see them, not seeing any baseball or basketball games.  How on earth are there men out there that can be such pieces of shit.

As you can tell, I am still not over the hatred I feel for him.  Everytime I try to give him a break he helps me realize, once again, that he is a fuckwad.

My poor kids.

Summary-my poor kids.  As much as I hate their dad, it will never equal the amount they love him, and will always love him, because he is their dad.

I’m pissed because-I wasted 14 years of my life with a man who isn’t worth the gum on the bottom of my shoes.

This month I am dong the blog a day thing, and the topic is thanks.  So, each day I will write a thank you to God at the end of each post.

Thank you god for giving me the nerve and courage to leave fuckwad and move 300 miles away to start my new life.

My thanksgiving

blanco river at the camp

I spent the last week in a wonderful state of thanksgiving celebration and have been unable to write because my family has been so close and i have been unable to get away.  We have a huge family reunion camp out every year with aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, etc…lots of fun.  We all sleep in two rooms of a huge bunkhouse and try our best to sleep through the snores of the others.  Sharing one bathroom, no heater (fireplace)  thank god it didn’t get too cold this weekend.  So, there was no internet connection for three days.  Then, took off to Round Rock to spend another four days with my brother and his wife…sleeping on the living room floor and although i had computer, i had no free time or private time to even think about blogging..since i don’t want them to see my blog.

so, for my glorious readers…all 3 of you…sorry!

other thinks i am thankful for…Savannah was gone since Monday…till today.  It was wonderful and she had fun with her grandparents and friends.  Glad she got to go.  Also, spent lots of quality time with Kati-pie, it was her birthday so we celebrated with olive garden and watching lost all day today!

Now, back to ranting…

the pto bitches…

A friend’s son the other day introduced me as “Jodi-she’s in the PTO”.  WOw, that caught me by surprise because, well, because i have never been in the PTO before last year, so I still don’t see myself as a PTO mom.

When AJ and Savvy were young and in school i was a total freak.  We left asshole fuckwad when AJ was in first grade and moved here where NOONE knew me.  No rumors to get back to my grandparents, no friends to stop hanging out with me…so that was a huge amount of freedom.  Let me tell you, I went pretty wild–even though I had two little kids.  I started dating, started going to six street with 21 year olds, lost 25 pounds and wore good butt jeans and great boob tops.  and, well, I didn’t care to get to know the moms at the school.  I thought it was cool that I was younger than most (27 when we moved here), so i thought I had nothing in common with those moms and so I found friends among the kids that worked for me at the University where i worked.

so, basically i just didn’t give a shit about the PTO.

Now, I am a PTO mom, just ask my friend’s kid.  I am room mom for Kati’s first grade class and was for her kinder class.  I do the yearbook for the school grades pre-k through 2 (with above mentioned friend).  I do the PTO newsletter every 2 months.  I worked like a dog on the fall festival fundraiser, I go to as many PTO meetings as possible and I try my best to kiss the asses of other room moms and others who are involved with the school.

WHY?  Because I want Kati to popular.  (not as in popular cheerleader freako), but as in, that is Kati and she is really nice. As in, moms wanting her to be friends with their kids.  As in, don’t forget to invite Kati or Lets choose Kati to be on our t-ball team this year.  I want the moms of the other girls and boys to like me so that when they are all in the 8th grade they will call me if they hear something about her and they will want their sons to date her and they will want their daughters to be friends with her.

And to me, the worst thing of all is…I hote the PTO bitches.  THey gossip and talk bad about everyone.  They are up at the school all day doing nothing but talking bad about the people who aren’t in the PTO and worse than that they talk about the kids.  This kid had lice last year, this kid’s mom is a whore that married an 80 year old man, this kids mom had cervical cancer and “you know that means she slept around”.

Now, I know what the other moms were saying about me ten years ago.  Now, I know why AJ and Savannah never had a chance in this small little town–because I was the mom that was a regular in the bar ever wednesday night.  I was the mom who had an illigitimate daughter with a fireman.  I was the mom who (God forbid) worked all the time and couldn’t go to the field trips and the school parties.  ANd, I didn’t know how important it was for my kids to NOT BE THAT MOM.

Now, i am sometimes petrified that someone will find out that I used to be that mom.  Some of the teachers AJ and Savannah had are still there and I am scared they will tell someone else.  Some of the moms have kids in junior high and highschool and I am scared they will see me with Savannah and know how bad she is and know that I totally fucked her up.

Most of all I am petrified for my sweet, wonderful perfect Kati.  She is a good girl and for so many reasons will never have the problems A and S have had—asshole fuckwad drunk dad for one.  But, most of all she has a mom that knows how important it is to be a good mom and be a part of her life EVERY DAY. Maybe that makes me a PTO mom.

Now, off to lunch with another PTO mom.  She is cool PTO mom like me and we don’t talk about anybody except the bitchy PTO moms.

summary: i have a major parenting guilt trip

i’m pissed because: i have 15 minutes to meet my friend for lunch

Safe haven law not for you? Try walking in someone else’s shoes.

What would you do if your daughter threw a chair at her teacher and you had to take off work for an entire day and help the school and local police search all over town for her?  Ground her?  Take her to the doctor?  Call the police?  Tie her up?

What would you do if the only doctor that accepts your insurance has a 45-day waiting list, if you come in that day and fill out the paperwork.  Put her in a hospital?  Use a self-pay doctor.  Take her to the emergency room?

What if she has to be care flighted to a hospital after taking an overdose and then the emergency room releases her and tells you that she is not suicidal and they can’t admit her, the mental hospital has to have a referral too and since she isn’t suicidal, only angry,  you have to wait 45 days until you can get in to a doctor.

What do you do the next week when she bites you on the shoulder while you are trying to take her to school?  When she throws a rock at your head?   Kicks her grandfather in the stomach?  Screams that she is going to kill herself and runs out onto the roof of your house?  Call the cops?  Watch them while they take her in handcuffs to a detention center and then call and bring her back home because it is too full and there is no space for another kid.  And, did i mention, the psyche eval says she isn’t really suicidal, just angry (the third evaluation in 2 weeks.)

What do you do when you have tried 5 different medicines and she is still kicking and screaming every day on some meds, but sleeping all day on others.  When she can literally cry for 5 hours straight and then skip around hugging people three hours later?  When she is so up and down and crazy that you can see the crash that is coming and know that one wrong word will set her off and that everyone in the house has to walk a fine line to keep it from setting her off—and everyone you live with believes that mental illness is just another word for spoiled daughter and lazy mother.

What do you do when you have no ideas left, when you are mentally and emotionally exhausted, when the police and probation officers have no place to put her when she breaks probation, when your seven year old has bad dreams about being thrown off the balcony?

Do you drive your kid the 1000 miles to Nebraska and let someone else take over for awhile?  Do you let others convince you that it is all your fault and you should let someone else try?  Do you send her to her dads and let him leave her in his house alone all day and let her do anything she wants?

You just get up another day and do it.  You try to get her out of bed without a fight, you ignore the cussing, you learn when and when not to push it, you keep your other child away when it isn’t safe and teach her to learn to read her moods.  You don’t take a happy moment for granted.  You watch her swallow her meds everyday and listen to the school complain about sleeping in class, while you remember the alternatives.  Then, you pray for another good day–until there is a set back.  Then, when there is a set back, enough of a set back that the probation officer steps in to do something…you sigh a sigh of relief for a few days because for just a little while you get to live a slightly normal life.

Savannah says i want her to go away, that i enjoy it, is she right?  No,  i don’t want that! i don’t!  i want a daughter who isn’t on probation, who didn’t hold her sister up over the balcony, who doesn’t steal cigarettes and get caught with them at school.  I want a daughter who is happy, who has friends, who can stay out past 8 pm, who brushes her teeth and has a boyfriend and isn’t so sad all the time and doesn’t have scars all over her arms. I don’t have that daughter, but I love the daughter i do have very much.

This safe-haven law in Nebraska is a wake up call to America.  Something has to be done to help these kids.  Maybe a lot of it is the parents fault that these kids are not disciplined enough or aren’t getting the help they need, i know I am guilty of that for sure.  But, a lot of this is society, the mental health and health care industries, the juvenile justice system and children’s services systems.  I can see how difficult it is for them.

It takes a village to raise a child.  As a nation it is our responsibility to figure out a way to help these parents who can’t do it alone.  You may be awesome at raising your perfect child, but don’t judge others until you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.

So, tell me, what would you do? I’m open to more ideas.

Summary:  Some days i wish my parents would drop me off at a hospital in Nebraska

I’m pissed because:  I’m too sad to be mad.

http://www.theinformationparadox.com/

http://anyonecare.wordpress.com/2008/09/27/abortion-of-older-children-teens-too/

my dickhead brother

Savannah came home today and of course was all manicky not only because she was happy to get out of jail, but also because the fucking idiots at the detention center forgot to give her her medicine last night–even after i spoke to the commander last week.

so anyway, she comes home all happy and hugging everyone and of course jason wouldn’t hug her; he said she was a dumbass and he wouldn’t hug her.  I know i sound like a 10 year old, but he is a fucking fat asshole.

seriously, he is 32 years old; lives on the couch downstairs and has done nothing but play video games for the last 3 months before my parents finally made him get a job.  now, he has decided he wants to take over savannah’s room upstairs so now Kati has to move all of her toys back into my room so savannah can have that room and we have to put up with him up here.  He weighs 350 pounds and sits around talking about what a wonderful football player he was in highschool and how many fine girlfriends he had.  Key word–HAD.

Savannah comes upstairs crying calling him a dickhead and all i can say is “calm down” when what i want to do is grab my coffee mug and throw it downstairs on his fucking head…and in my head i am thinking dickhead dickhead dickhead…

Savannah is happy to be home, but i am worried she will have a bad day at school again tomorrow.  she doesn’t take responsibility for her actions; instead blaming the school for telling on her, her probation officer for arresting her, me for allowing it and the judge for making her stay a week…not herself because she wouldn’t follow school rules, or herself for getting put on probation in the first place.  until she learns that it is her fault she will never ever learn.

she is holding me hostage everyday until she turns 18.  i am a prisoner of her hatefulness, mania, depression, violence, hostility, etc.  It has been two years already since her first major bipolar outburst and we still haven’t made it very far–and i think we have a much further way to go.

i’m really tired and really sad.

she’s coming home tomorrow

Savannah’s probation officer called and she plans to release her tomorrow. I visited her on Sunday and she sounded and looked good; sounded positive and like she understood that she had to change. Lisa said the same thing. Will it work this time? Who knows how long she will stay on track.

I have to start building her self-esteem, but i don’t know how. She is so smart–why won’t she do better in school? What can we do for her to help her finish her school work and pass all of her classes? Threats don’t work, obviously; bribes don’t really work either because once she has recieved the promised thing, she goes back to normal the very next day. I can’t continually give her something for work that is expected—that can’t be building self esteem.

I don’t know what to do for her. My boss suggested I put her in charge of something. we do the march of dimes walk every year; maybe if i put her in charge of building our webpage, blogging and finding donors she would like that (i doubt it).

She is so beautiful when she tries. When she cut her hair last year so short it really affected her self esteem even more. Now, it continually looks like shit and so she feels that nothing she does will detract from that.
when she tries to look nice she does. When she tries to be happy she is. When she tries to be good, she is wonderful.

I want to cry for her every time i think about what kind of life she has had over the last few years.
She looks up to AJ so much, she can’t be normal because he is so abnormal and she wants to be just like him.

Todd is no help at all with them; he hasnt called since I told him she was in. he didn’t even ask if he could call her or anything. he hasn’t called or talked to AJ in months. How could i have ever thought he was a decent man? How stupid i was.

kati pie

Kati has no idea where Savannah is; she rarely mentions it and i think is relieved to have some time alone with me without all the stress Savannah and I create.

Yesterday we watched “My Dog Skip” and she laid in my lap and cried through the last 15 minutes. We played dominoes but she got mad because my attention was on another movie so she ended up playing by herself.

We cleaned her closet together and made a huge pile of stuffed animals similar to ET in one half and she has to touch each animal as it says “yes” or “no” or “hi” to me while i arrange them in the order they prefer–so they can sit by their friends. The sole purpose of her barbies or high school musical dolls is to ride one of the 30 small horses she owns.

I don’t want her to grow up. Right now she wants to be a rodeo girl when she grows up and I never want that to change.

Compassion for Savannah-

Savannah is 14. She is in jail tonight and will be for the next 5 days. She yells and screams and cusses and sometimes refuses to do the simplest things—like clean the living room. She hates her sister and hates me–hates the world except for her friends who tell her to stop taking her medicine so she will be the old Savannah. The old Savannah gets thrown in jail; the old Savannah bites her mother; the old Savannah smokes pot to escape. Why do her friends want this person back who laughs inappropriately and stays up all night shaking, crying and cutting. Why can’t she see that that person will never be successful and will never have true friends–will always be ostracized. Will always have fresh scars on her beautiful legs and arms.

My dad asked me last night why he should care about Savannah–what she has done to deserve his respect or support?

SHE IS 14!!! She takes showers alone in the dark because she hates herself so much. She wakes in the night with nightmares about men raping her; she hears voices constantly around her whispering behind her back that she is worthless; she cuts herself with knives, razor blades, even forks and has even used the edge of our metal roof; she puts cigarettes out on her arms and legs; she cries and cries and cries because she rarely keeps friends for more than a month at a time; the nice kids parents will not let their kids be friends with her; she scores PERFECT on her taks tests but when medicated she sleeps all day and ends up failing every class. She wants to, and has attempted suicide. She refuses to wash her face and hair or wear clean clothes, but continually calls herself ugly.

She is in a pit of despair and I don’t know how to help her. She was my beautiful, blond, dancing, singing, laughing, creative, genius daughter and I miss her—but i still respect and support and LOVE this little girl who needs support and love and encouragement from those around her despite her words and actions that are only meant to harm herself and push people away.

It is working. On most days I know I am not the only who still loves her, but I also know that I am the only one that can forgive her.

On many days i wonder if anyone else will ever understand and remember that she is just a little girl.

every time she cuts i cry

every time she cuts i cry

she cuts
she cuts a lot
she cuts her legs, she cuts her arms
she scars
she will hate it one day and people will wonder why she cuts…and she will cry.

http://oneword.com/index.html