my post on another blog…but this is mine…

You Have No Idea

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear Mom and Dad:

I love you and appreciate how much you have done for me and my kids, but please stop reminding me what a good girl I was and telling me how to raise my own kids. You have no idea.

I know the music they listen to is wild and crazy and yes, there are cuss words in it. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I listened to anything other than Garth Brooks–I had a poster of Axle rose in my closet smoking a joint. I spent the night with a friend and went to a Motley Crue concert. The band that talked about shouting at the DEVIL!!!

It is really horrible that S sneaks cigarettes and hides in the woods to smoke them–how could i possibly raise such a horrible daughter that hides in the woods smoking-
I remember how good I was in the afternoons taking care of the horses out in the pasture.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I spent years in the woods “riding horses” while I was actually inhaling gasoline and spray paint fumes from paper lunch sacks, trying my best to get high from the time i was 12 years old.

I know 15 is a little young to be on birth control pills and I should teach abstinence instead of promoting sex. YOU HAVE NO IDEA–how many times i thought i was pregnant before I actually did get pregnant in high school YOU HAVE NO IDEA how many guys I had sex with. Even after all the abstinence talk (at 15 years old)

I know I should make A. get a job. He is old enough isn’t he. I know how responsible i was at 17. I remember all the money I earned at Pizza Hut and buying all my own clothes from the time i was 16. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I sold hits of acid that i kept inside a dress on one of my teddy bears. I bought sheeets of acid in Dallas with my Pizza Hut tips and turned around and sold them for $300. I bought an entire keg for a party when I was 16. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I probably should think seriously about not letting S. use her cell phone at night, she does need her sleep. I know, I was not allowed to use the phone after 9pm and had to be in the bed by 10:30. YOU HAVE NO IDEA, I snuck out almost every night and ran to the payphone at the store down the street and within ten minutes would be at a party somewhere hanging out until dawn.

I know I should punish them for making bad grades. Yes, S. could have done better in her math class last year. I remember what a good student I was. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how many tests I stole the answers for. Everyone at school knew where to get them and paid me for them. Remember the time i got caught selling answers and failed my chemistry test during senior year? That was the only time I got caught after YEARS of stealing tests, or boinking the government teacher that lived down the street.

I know me and the kids and the psychiatrists use bipolar disorder as an excuse for bad behaivor and lazy parenting. I completely understand that even when I did go crazy and run away to Mexico at 15, and when I became suicidal and cried every day for three months that you were not going to let me make that mental illness excuse that others were making. Everyone is 100% responsible for themselves, or they should be in some kind of a home somewhere. I’m glad you let me go years and years without medication even though you knew that others in your family had committed suicide or been hospitalized. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I self medicated from the time I was 12. You have no idea how much I suffered because I was different and crazy or so depressed I couldn’t move.

I know and remember what an awesome little girl I was. I was a credit to my parents that raised me and it is a shame that my kids are lacking. Maybe one day I will heed your advice and start disciplining my children appropriately. When that happens, we can all be glad for the advice you have given me, that helped keep my children out of the slums and off the streets.

Thank you

The daughter you know nothing about.

materialism, greed and christmas…

They go hand in hand right?  It is amazing how the joy of giving has become the expectation of receiving for so many people.  How people go crazy trying to outdo each other-especially when it comes to kids.

I grew up lower middle class.  We had good christmases.  I remember times when my grandmother (bigmamma) would give my mom money to shop for us from her and then we would have to return it after christmas to pay the electric bill.  One year it was a VCR–like in 1985 when VCR’s were not in every room of every house and a movie cost 60 bucks…remember.  I wanted that VCR so bad.

My kids have been lucky i think.  AJ told me that he doesn’t remember one time i have ever given him something he truly wanted.  THe ipod, he wanted a 4 gig and only got a 2 gig.  The playstation 2 , he wanted an XBOX, the ibanez guitar and amp, who knows what he wanted instead.  All of the above presents, he has lost, sold or let someone have (the guitar he let a friend have).  The playstion 2 he sold for 15 dollars.  He told me that a few weeks ago and I wondered where i have gone wrong with him.  I have never had much money at christmas and have sold stuff, not payed a bill, or borrowed a little money to give the kids at least one nice thing each year.  I also made sure to buy them a good book each year.  When he moved out, he threw his books away.  How could they have no sentimental value to him at all?

The best gifts for me are about the sentiment…a book i loved as a child is an important gift for me to give my kids.  This year I am buying my dad a copy of Where the red fern grows—READ THIS BOOK—because my grandaddy loved the book so much.  Grandaddy read the book when he was 70 years old and cried his eyes out.  I say again—read this book!

Apparently, it isnt about the sentiment too much anymore, when people are stomping all over others in an attempt to get a sale price on a new tv.  Its not about the joy of giving anymore is it…poor Jesus, how sad he must be to see his birthday desecrated in such a way.

This year AJ is getting a pair of socks and a sweatshirt for christmas…with a box of job applications.

summary:  How do poor people spoil their kids?  What do i do different with Kati-pie?

I’m pissed because: someone died at Walmart under a pack of crazy wild animals trying to get a good deal.

I’m really pissed about that.  What is happening to humanity?

Im thankful for: my favorite christmas memory as a child—my parents were really broke, dad hadnt worked in 2 months so we all wrote on index cards what we would do that day for another person in the family.   that was nice and it didn’t cost anything.

the pto bitches…

A friend’s son the other day introduced me as “Jodi-she’s in the PTO”.  WOw, that caught me by surprise because, well, because i have never been in the PTO before last year, so I still don’t see myself as a PTO mom.

When AJ and Savvy were young and in school i was a total freak.  We left asshole fuckwad when AJ was in first grade and moved here where NOONE knew me.  No rumors to get back to my grandparents, no friends to stop hanging out with me…so that was a huge amount of freedom.  Let me tell you, I went pretty wild–even though I had two little kids.  I started dating, started going to six street with 21 year olds, lost 25 pounds and wore good butt jeans and great boob tops.  and, well, I didn’t care to get to know the moms at the school.  I thought it was cool that I was younger than most (27 when we moved here), so i thought I had nothing in common with those moms and so I found friends among the kids that worked for me at the University where i worked.

so, basically i just didn’t give a shit about the PTO.

Now, I am a PTO mom, just ask my friend’s kid.  I am room mom for Kati’s first grade class and was for her kinder class.  I do the yearbook for the school grades pre-k through 2 (with above mentioned friend).  I do the PTO newsletter every 2 months.  I worked like a dog on the fall festival fundraiser, I go to as many PTO meetings as possible and I try my best to kiss the asses of other room moms and others who are involved with the school.

WHY?  Because I want Kati to popular.  (not as in popular cheerleader freako), but as in, that is Kati and she is really nice. As in, moms wanting her to be friends with their kids.  As in, don’t forget to invite Kati or Lets choose Kati to be on our t-ball team this year.  I want the moms of the other girls and boys to like me so that when they are all in the 8th grade they will call me if they hear something about her and they will want their sons to date her and they will want their daughters to be friends with her.

And to me, the worst thing of all is…I hote the PTO bitches.  THey gossip and talk bad about everyone.  They are up at the school all day doing nothing but talking bad about the people who aren’t in the PTO and worse than that they talk about the kids.  This kid had lice last year, this kid’s mom is a whore that married an 80 year old man, this kids mom had cervical cancer and “you know that means she slept around”.

Now, I know what the other moms were saying about me ten years ago.  Now, I know why AJ and Savannah never had a chance in this small little town–because I was the mom that was a regular in the bar ever wednesday night.  I was the mom who had an illigitimate daughter with a fireman.  I was the mom who (God forbid) worked all the time and couldn’t go to the field trips and the school parties.  ANd, I didn’t know how important it was for my kids to NOT BE THAT MOM.

Now, i am sometimes petrified that someone will find out that I used to be that mom.  Some of the teachers AJ and Savannah had are still there and I am scared they will tell someone else.  Some of the moms have kids in junior high and highschool and I am scared they will see me with Savannah and know how bad she is and know that I totally fucked her up.

Most of all I am petrified for my sweet, wonderful perfect Kati.  She is a good girl and for so many reasons will never have the problems A and S have had—asshole fuckwad drunk dad for one.  But, most of all she has a mom that knows how important it is to be a good mom and be a part of her life EVERY DAY. Maybe that makes me a PTO mom.

Now, off to lunch with another PTO mom.  She is cool PTO mom like me and we don’t talk about anybody except the bitchy PTO moms.

summary: i have a major parenting guilt trip

i’m pissed because: i have 15 minutes to meet my friend for lunch

Safe haven law not for you? Try walking in someone else’s shoes.

What would you do if your daughter threw a chair at her teacher and you had to take off work for an entire day and help the school and local police search all over town for her?  Ground her?  Take her to the doctor?  Call the police?  Tie her up?

What would you do if the only doctor that accepts your insurance has a 45-day waiting list, if you come in that day and fill out the paperwork.  Put her in a hospital?  Use a self-pay doctor.  Take her to the emergency room?

What if she has to be care flighted to a hospital after taking an overdose and then the emergency room releases her and tells you that she is not suicidal and they can’t admit her, the mental hospital has to have a referral too and since she isn’t suicidal, only angry,  you have to wait 45 days until you can get in to a doctor.

What do you do the next week when she bites you on the shoulder while you are trying to take her to school?  When she throws a rock at your head?   Kicks her grandfather in the stomach?  Screams that she is going to kill herself and runs out onto the roof of your house?  Call the cops?  Watch them while they take her in handcuffs to a detention center and then call and bring her back home because it is too full and there is no space for another kid.  And, did i mention, the psyche eval says she isn’t really suicidal, just angry (the third evaluation in 2 weeks.)

What do you do when you have tried 5 different medicines and she is still kicking and screaming every day on some meds, but sleeping all day on others.  When she can literally cry for 5 hours straight and then skip around hugging people three hours later?  When she is so up and down and crazy that you can see the crash that is coming and know that one wrong word will set her off and that everyone in the house has to walk a fine line to keep it from setting her off—and everyone you live with believes that mental illness is just another word for spoiled daughter and lazy mother.

What do you do when you have no ideas left, when you are mentally and emotionally exhausted, when the police and probation officers have no place to put her when she breaks probation, when your seven year old has bad dreams about being thrown off the balcony?

Do you drive your kid the 1000 miles to Nebraska and let someone else take over for awhile?  Do you let others convince you that it is all your fault and you should let someone else try?  Do you send her to her dads and let him leave her in his house alone all day and let her do anything she wants?

You just get up another day and do it.  You try to get her out of bed without a fight, you ignore the cussing, you learn when and when not to push it, you keep your other child away when it isn’t safe and teach her to learn to read her moods.  You don’t take a happy moment for granted.  You watch her swallow her meds everyday and listen to the school complain about sleeping in class, while you remember the alternatives.  Then, you pray for another good day–until there is a set back.  Then, when there is a set back, enough of a set back that the probation officer steps in to do something…you sigh a sigh of relief for a few days because for just a little while you get to live a slightly normal life.

Savannah says i want her to go away, that i enjoy it, is she right?  No,  i don’t want that! i don’t!  i want a daughter who isn’t on probation, who didn’t hold her sister up over the balcony, who doesn’t steal cigarettes and get caught with them at school.  I want a daughter who is happy, who has friends, who can stay out past 8 pm, who brushes her teeth and has a boyfriend and isn’t so sad all the time and doesn’t have scars all over her arms. I don’t have that daughter, but I love the daughter i do have very much.

This safe-haven law in Nebraska is a wake up call to America.  Something has to be done to help these kids.  Maybe a lot of it is the parents fault that these kids are not disciplined enough or aren’t getting the help they need, i know I am guilty of that for sure.  But, a lot of this is society, the mental health and health care industries, the juvenile justice system and children’s services systems.  I can see how difficult it is for them.

It takes a village to raise a child.  As a nation it is our responsibility to figure out a way to help these parents who can’t do it alone.  You may be awesome at raising your perfect child, but don’t judge others until you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.

So, tell me, what would you do? I’m open to more ideas.

Summary:  Some days i wish my parents would drop me off at a hospital in Nebraska

I’m pissed because:  I’m too sad to be mad.

http://www.theinformationparadox.com/

http://anyonecare.wordpress.com/2008/09/27/abortion-of-older-children-teens-too/

my bathroom is disgusting. photos coming soon.

Today is my day off, actually today and tomorrow are my days off and I have SO MUCH TO DO!  I have been working tirelessly (for about 25 minutes) folding clothes and sorting clothes from Savannah’s room…then, i decided to check out regis and kelly for a few minutes, boom i am on the computer and now, notta–if i start this now i won’t get up until it is time to pick up the girls and then be pissed off all night that i didn’t do anything.

I seriously want to take pictures of my filthy house to post online.  My bathroom is horrible, no bugs crawling around or anything, but the trash (a target bag) is overflowing, there are old coffee cups in one sink and the other sink is full of makeup and face cleaning supplies.  there is toothpaste all over the edge of a sink and hair everywhere!!!  also, a box of tampons spilling out of the floor on one side of the toilet and potting soil on the other side from when marley the mutt jumped on the back of the toilet to escape from a flea bath—THREE WEEKS AGO!  yes, i haven’t cleaned up dirt from my bathroom floor in three weeks.  Also, since Kati has encopresis (sever, extreme constipation and difficulty going to the bathroom) so, we keep all of her used panties in a basket in the bathroom for washing on the weekends–that is a five step process to get those suckers clean—but still, i haven’t washed them in two weeks so it is starting to get pretty stinky in there too. the toilet bowl?  well, we live out in the coutnry with a well and lots of minerals so there are some serious stains going on in there, but not groce stuff—just mineral stains.

so that is my bathroom. I am a mess, a wreck, a disaster of laziness and being completely overwhelmed and trying my best to stay so busy in the outside world that i don’t have time to see how my inner world is so fucked up.  Like why i am 40 pounds overweight, and i have no desire to get naked in front of myself much less  man and my daughter just spent a week in jail and my other daughter can’t have friends over because our bathroom is so filthy and because i am scared Savannah will have a screaming cussing fit in front of some 7 year old little girl.

so today i am pissed off at my bathroom.  That seems like the appropriate object of contempt right now!

summary: I’m too embarrassed of my filthy house to hire someone to clean it.

i’m a bad mom, football more important than bedtime.

It is almost 11 pm and Kati is laying beside me on the couch crying because she is so tired, but i am watching the last two minutes of the giants/eagles came and really wanting the eagles to beat the hell out of those giants.

I am 10-3 so far this weekend; one more game and i will beat  dad and the boys.

GO EAGLES!

update:  the eagles lost in the last minute of the game.  much like UT lost to Tech in the last second.

I’m pissed because:  Dallas is in fourth place in the NFC East.

Summary;  i fucking hate the giants.

Compassion for Savannah-

Savannah is 14. She is in jail tonight and will be for the next 5 days. She yells and screams and cusses and sometimes refuses to do the simplest things—like clean the living room. She hates her sister and hates me–hates the world except for her friends who tell her to stop taking her medicine so she will be the old Savannah. The old Savannah gets thrown in jail; the old Savannah bites her mother; the old Savannah smokes pot to escape. Why do her friends want this person back who laughs inappropriately and stays up all night shaking, crying and cutting. Why can’t she see that that person will never be successful and will never have true friends–will always be ostracized. Will always have fresh scars on her beautiful legs and arms.

My dad asked me last night why he should care about Savannah–what she has done to deserve his respect or support?

SHE IS 14!!! She takes showers alone in the dark because she hates herself so much. She wakes in the night with nightmares about men raping her; she hears voices constantly around her whispering behind her back that she is worthless; she cuts herself with knives, razor blades, even forks and has even used the edge of our metal roof; she puts cigarettes out on her arms and legs; she cries and cries and cries because she rarely keeps friends for more than a month at a time; the nice kids parents will not let their kids be friends with her; she scores PERFECT on her taks tests but when medicated she sleeps all day and ends up failing every class. She wants to, and has attempted suicide. She refuses to wash her face and hair or wear clean clothes, but continually calls herself ugly.

She is in a pit of despair and I don’t know how to help her. She was my beautiful, blond, dancing, singing, laughing, creative, genius daughter and I miss her—but i still respect and support and LOVE this little girl who needs support and love and encouragement from those around her despite her words and actions that are only meant to harm herself and push people away.

It is working. On most days I know I am not the only who still loves her, but I also know that I am the only one that can forgive her.

On many days i wonder if anyone else will ever understand and remember that she is just a little girl.