my best birthday ever…and the worst

Wow, December 9th 2000!  I had three AWESOME friends—Jenny, Ali and Alicia and they were great–probably the best friends I have ever had (and have now–at least Jen and Ali) anyway, I was newly single from fuckwad exhusband and then dumbass volleyball rebound dude…so I was SKINNY and loving it…and also incredibly manic.

I think it was a Wednesday, and I had planned a little after work party for the loyal employees of the bookstore I worked at…at a badass taproom type eatery/bar with the most AWESOME chicken wings and ribs (seriously awesome) and so, after about 5 yummy creamy bailey’s irish cream type drinks (i believe they were called scooby doos) I made my way over to the cutest bartender ever and tried unsuccesfully to flirt with him…but since his girlriend was a waitress, that didn’t work out..   he told me i should get my belly button pierced—and I did, right next door…and it hurt like hell, but i felt so GREAT!  So happy to be away from fuckwad ex and dumbass rebound dude I was flirty and cute and skinny and had lots of friends and a couple of really great friends.

I don’t think i will ever forget that birthday because i felt so good and happy.

I wish i felt that good and happy all the time.  That was 2000—in 2001, number 30, I was sitting in the hospital waiting room while my little kati-pie was having emergency heart surgery. Everyone was asking me how it felt to be 30 and i was like “are you freaking kidding me, my baby is in the hospital—i could care less that i am 30 years old.”Only 1 year later and my life had totally changed.

December 9, 2006, I literally wanted to die from the JC breakup–I stopped at one of the overlooks on the way to the babysitter’s house and seriously contemplated ramming my car through the chain link fence.  Thank god I didn’t–Thank my kids I didnt,  that break up kept me crying for 18 months, and now, 2008—I am a college graduate, my kids are a little fucked but mostly healthy (except for the strep throat we’ve had all week) and for the first time in my life i don’t feel the need to have a boyfriend.  Very liberating.

So, I am not as happy as i have been before, but i see happiness ahead of me somewhere and I know I will find it out there somewhere. I miss my friends so much and miss all the fun I used to have.  Miss being cute and really miss my sexy tummy.  Miss my kids being little and sweet.  But, truly honestly completely do not miss being 29.

The good thing is I am not nearly as sad as I have been before.  I’m in between but mostly happy for now.  Hoping depression d oesn’t creep back in.

summary—i’m fucking old, but have a few good years left in me

I’m pissed because—I miss JENNY.

I’m thankful for:  my kids–they are the only reason I didn’t kill myself two years ago—They have each saved me from myself more than once.

The fuckwad father of my kids…

So many of my friends are tired of listening to my rants about my exhusband…the fuckwad father of my two oldest kids.

Life with him was misery from Day 1-and I am sure I will get to many of those sordid details eventually.

July-I take Savannah to our hometown, where he still lives, to visit my family for a fourth of july shindig at the mudding pits (yes, you heard me, muddin’ pit-people who pay to take their trucks and four wheelers round and round in circles in waist deep piles of brown mud).  try it. its fun!

anyway, so fuckwad sees Sav and AJ all of 2 days that weekend, but she wants to stay and visit…so he tells me he can’t bring her all the way home so I have to meet him halfway-176 miles is halway.  I can’t because my car is in the shop and I have to take off work with nothing to drive all week…so, he says I will have to pay him 100 bucks to bring her home…after I had taken her all the way there, not only over the fourth, but also at Easter.  FUCKWAD.  But, I paid, because she wanted to stay and see friends and I needed a break.

She calls him a month ago and asks if he can come and get her for Thanksgiving and he says No because he only gets three days off work.  So, he can’t spend one day coming to get her and one day bringing her home, So i said i would meet him halfway.  Fucker decides to take call over the holiday so he can get overtime, which means he can’t come get her.  So, his parents meet me to take her and AJ to their house for Thanksgiving so they can see their cousins and friends.  He sees them 1 day for about 8 hours. Then, his parents bring them all the way home.  His mom told me because I always bring them home 4 times per year, they can bring them back to me on occasion.

I don’t know how i found such a loser, mostly because my self esteem was so bad as a teenager, and I fell so in love with him.  He started hitting me within a month after we married, kicked me in the stomach when i was pregnant with AJ, cheated on me with a 15 year old girl, cheated on me again when i was pregnant with sav., didn’t pay child support for 4 years until i had him arrested but the worst thing this son of a bitch fuckwad has done is not care about seeing his kids, not coming to see them, not seeing any baseball or basketball games.  How on earth are there men out there that can be such pieces of shit.

As you can tell, I am still not over the hatred I feel for him.  Everytime I try to give him a break he helps me realize, once again, that he is a fuckwad.

My poor kids.

Summary-my poor kids.  As much as I hate their dad, it will never equal the amount they love him, and will always love him, because he is their dad.

I’m pissed because-I wasted 14 years of my life with a man who isn’t worth the gum on the bottom of my shoes.

This month I am dong the blog a day thing, and the topic is thanks.  So, each day I will write a thank you to God at the end of each post.

Thank you god for giving me the nerve and courage to leave fuckwad and move 300 miles away to start my new life.