my post on another blog…but this is mine…

You Have No Idea

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear Mom and Dad:

I love you and appreciate how much you have done for me and my kids, but please stop reminding me what a good girl I was and telling me how to raise my own kids. You have no idea.

I know the music they listen to is wild and crazy and yes, there are cuss words in it. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I listened to anything other than Garth Brooks–I had a poster of Axle rose in my closet smoking a joint. I spent the night with a friend and went to a Motley Crue concert. The band that talked about shouting at the DEVIL!!!

It is really horrible that S sneaks cigarettes and hides in the woods to smoke them–how could i possibly raise such a horrible daughter that hides in the woods smoking-
I remember how good I was in the afternoons taking care of the horses out in the pasture.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I spent years in the woods “riding horses” while I was actually inhaling gasoline and spray paint fumes from paper lunch sacks, trying my best to get high from the time i was 12 years old.

I know 15 is a little young to be on birth control pills and I should teach abstinence instead of promoting sex. YOU HAVE NO IDEA–how many times i thought i was pregnant before I actually did get pregnant in high school YOU HAVE NO IDEA how many guys I had sex with. Even after all the abstinence talk (at 15 years old)

I know I should make A. get a job. He is old enough isn’t he. I know how responsible i was at 17. I remember all the money I earned at Pizza Hut and buying all my own clothes from the time i was 16. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I sold hits of acid that i kept inside a dress on one of my teddy bears. I bought sheeets of acid in Dallas with my Pizza Hut tips and turned around and sold them for $300. I bought an entire keg for a party when I was 16. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I probably should think seriously about not letting S. use her cell phone at night, she does need her sleep. I know, I was not allowed to use the phone after 9pm and had to be in the bed by 10:30. YOU HAVE NO IDEA, I snuck out almost every night and ran to the payphone at the store down the street and within ten minutes would be at a party somewhere hanging out until dawn.

I know I should punish them for making bad grades. Yes, S. could have done better in her math class last year. I remember what a good student I was. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how many tests I stole the answers for. Everyone at school knew where to get them and paid me for them. Remember the time i got caught selling answers and failed my chemistry test during senior year? That was the only time I got caught after YEARS of stealing tests, or boinking the government teacher that lived down the street.

I know me and the kids and the psychiatrists use bipolar disorder as an excuse for bad behaivor and lazy parenting. I completely understand that even when I did go crazy and run away to Mexico at 15, and when I became suicidal and cried every day for three months that you were not going to let me make that mental illness excuse that others were making. Everyone is 100% responsible for themselves, or they should be in some kind of a home somewhere. I’m glad you let me go years and years without medication even though you knew that others in your family had committed suicide or been hospitalized. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I self medicated from the time I was 12. You have no idea how much I suffered because I was different and crazy or so depressed I couldn’t move.

I know and remember what an awesome little girl I was. I was a credit to my parents that raised me and it is a shame that my kids are lacking. Maybe one day I will heed your advice and start disciplining my children appropriately. When that happens, we can all be glad for the advice you have given me, that helped keep my children out of the slums and off the streets.

Thank you

The daughter you know nothing about.

Safe haven law not for you? Try walking in someone else’s shoes.

What would you do if your daughter threw a chair at her teacher and you had to take off work for an entire day and help the school and local police search all over town for her?  Ground her?  Take her to the doctor?  Call the police?  Tie her up?

What would you do if the only doctor that accepts your insurance has a 45-day waiting list, if you come in that day and fill out the paperwork.  Put her in a hospital?  Use a self-pay doctor.  Take her to the emergency room?

What if she has to be care flighted to a hospital after taking an overdose and then the emergency room releases her and tells you that she is not suicidal and they can’t admit her, the mental hospital has to have a referral too and since she isn’t suicidal, only angry,  you have to wait 45 days until you can get in to a doctor.

What do you do the next week when she bites you on the shoulder while you are trying to take her to school?  When she throws a rock at your head?   Kicks her grandfather in the stomach?  Screams that she is going to kill herself and runs out onto the roof of your house?  Call the cops?  Watch them while they take her in handcuffs to a detention center and then call and bring her back home because it is too full and there is no space for another kid.  And, did i mention, the psyche eval says she isn’t really suicidal, just angry (the third evaluation in 2 weeks.)

What do you do when you have tried 5 different medicines and she is still kicking and screaming every day on some meds, but sleeping all day on others.  When she can literally cry for 5 hours straight and then skip around hugging people three hours later?  When she is so up and down and crazy that you can see the crash that is coming and know that one wrong word will set her off and that everyone in the house has to walk a fine line to keep it from setting her off—and everyone you live with believes that mental illness is just another word for spoiled daughter and lazy mother.

What do you do when you have no ideas left, when you are mentally and emotionally exhausted, when the police and probation officers have no place to put her when she breaks probation, when your seven year old has bad dreams about being thrown off the balcony?

Do you drive your kid the 1000 miles to Nebraska and let someone else take over for awhile?  Do you let others convince you that it is all your fault and you should let someone else try?  Do you send her to her dads and let him leave her in his house alone all day and let her do anything she wants?

You just get up another day and do it.  You try to get her out of bed without a fight, you ignore the cussing, you learn when and when not to push it, you keep your other child away when it isn’t safe and teach her to learn to read her moods.  You don’t take a happy moment for granted.  You watch her swallow her meds everyday and listen to the school complain about sleeping in class, while you remember the alternatives.  Then, you pray for another good day–until there is a set back.  Then, when there is a set back, enough of a set back that the probation officer steps in to do something…you sigh a sigh of relief for a few days because for just a little while you get to live a slightly normal life.

Savannah says i want her to go away, that i enjoy it, is she right?  No,  i don’t want that! i don’t!  i want a daughter who isn’t on probation, who didn’t hold her sister up over the balcony, who doesn’t steal cigarettes and get caught with them at school.  I want a daughter who is happy, who has friends, who can stay out past 8 pm, who brushes her teeth and has a boyfriend and isn’t so sad all the time and doesn’t have scars all over her arms. I don’t have that daughter, but I love the daughter i do have very much.

This safe-haven law in Nebraska is a wake up call to America.  Something has to be done to help these kids.  Maybe a lot of it is the parents fault that these kids are not disciplined enough or aren’t getting the help they need, i know I am guilty of that for sure.  But, a lot of this is society, the mental health and health care industries, the juvenile justice system and children’s services systems.  I can see how difficult it is for them.

It takes a village to raise a child.  As a nation it is our responsibility to figure out a way to help these parents who can’t do it alone.  You may be awesome at raising your perfect child, but don’t judge others until you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.

So, tell me, what would you do? I’m open to more ideas.

Summary:  Some days i wish my parents would drop me off at a hospital in Nebraska

I’m pissed because:  I’m too sad to be mad.

http://www.theinformationparadox.com/

http://anyonecare.wordpress.com/2008/09/27/abortion-of-older-children-teens-too/

Write love on your arm…

I just found this organization and tomorrow is the day. Write love on your arm to show support and to let others know that cutting, self-harm, suicide and depression are treatable.

Savannah has been cutting for 2 years and burning herself with cigarettes about 6 months. i don’t understand the release it brings her, but it does do something for her, helps her cope in some way, helps her control her anger, etc. so many other kids do it–even AJ did some too. It is so sad to see all this destruction and self hate in these kids. Go to www.twloha.com to learn more.

clipped from www.twloha.com To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.  TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. The vision is that we actually believe these things… You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters. clipped from worshipcity.wordpress.com November 13th is the 2nd Annual To Write Love on Her Arms Day. It’s simple, write LOVE on your arm tomorrow and hopefully encourage someone who may be handling a tough situation.

my dickhead brother

Savannah came home today and of course was all manicky not only because she was happy to get out of jail, but also because the fucking idiots at the detention center forgot to give her her medicine last night–even after i spoke to the commander last week.

so anyway, she comes home all happy and hugging everyone and of course jason wouldn’t hug her; he said she was a dumbass and he wouldn’t hug her.  I know i sound like a 10 year old, but he is a fucking fat asshole.

seriously, he is 32 years old; lives on the couch downstairs and has done nothing but play video games for the last 3 months before my parents finally made him get a job.  now, he has decided he wants to take over savannah’s room upstairs so now Kati has to move all of her toys back into my room so savannah can have that room and we have to put up with him up here.  He weighs 350 pounds and sits around talking about what a wonderful football player he was in highschool and how many fine girlfriends he had.  Key word–HAD.

Savannah comes upstairs crying calling him a dickhead and all i can say is “calm down” when what i want to do is grab my coffee mug and throw it downstairs on his fucking head…and in my head i am thinking dickhead dickhead dickhead…

Savannah is happy to be home, but i am worried she will have a bad day at school again tomorrow.  she doesn’t take responsibility for her actions; instead blaming the school for telling on her, her probation officer for arresting her, me for allowing it and the judge for making her stay a week…not herself because she wouldn’t follow school rules, or herself for getting put on probation in the first place.  until she learns that it is her fault she will never ever learn.

she is holding me hostage everyday until she turns 18.  i am a prisoner of her hatefulness, mania, depression, violence, hostility, etc.  It has been two years already since her first major bipolar outburst and we still haven’t made it very far–and i think we have a much further way to go.

i’m really tired and really sad.

she’s coming home tomorrow

Savannah’s probation officer called and she plans to release her tomorrow. I visited her on Sunday and she sounded and looked good; sounded positive and like she understood that she had to change. Lisa said the same thing. Will it work this time? Who knows how long she will stay on track.

I have to start building her self-esteem, but i don’t know how. She is so smart–why won’t she do better in school? What can we do for her to help her finish her school work and pass all of her classes? Threats don’t work, obviously; bribes don’t really work either because once she has recieved the promised thing, she goes back to normal the very next day. I can’t continually give her something for work that is expected—that can’t be building self esteem.

I don’t know what to do for her. My boss suggested I put her in charge of something. we do the march of dimes walk every year; maybe if i put her in charge of building our webpage, blogging and finding donors she would like that (i doubt it).

She is so beautiful when she tries. When she cut her hair last year so short it really affected her self esteem even more. Now, it continually looks like shit and so she feels that nothing she does will detract from that.
when she tries to look nice she does. When she tries to be happy she is. When she tries to be good, she is wonderful.

I want to cry for her every time i think about what kind of life she has had over the last few years.
She looks up to AJ so much, she can’t be normal because he is so abnormal and she wants to be just like him.

Todd is no help at all with them; he hasnt called since I told him she was in. he didn’t even ask if he could call her or anything. he hasn’t called or talked to AJ in months. How could i have ever thought he was a decent man? How stupid i was.

Compassion for Savannah-

Savannah is 14. She is in jail tonight and will be for the next 5 days. She yells and screams and cusses and sometimes refuses to do the simplest things—like clean the living room. She hates her sister and hates me–hates the world except for her friends who tell her to stop taking her medicine so she will be the old Savannah. The old Savannah gets thrown in jail; the old Savannah bites her mother; the old Savannah smokes pot to escape. Why do her friends want this person back who laughs inappropriately and stays up all night shaking, crying and cutting. Why can’t she see that that person will never be successful and will never have true friends–will always be ostracized. Will always have fresh scars on her beautiful legs and arms.

My dad asked me last night why he should care about Savannah–what she has done to deserve his respect or support?

SHE IS 14!!! She takes showers alone in the dark because she hates herself so much. She wakes in the night with nightmares about men raping her; she hears voices constantly around her whispering behind her back that she is worthless; she cuts herself with knives, razor blades, even forks and has even used the edge of our metal roof; she puts cigarettes out on her arms and legs; she cries and cries and cries because she rarely keeps friends for more than a month at a time; the nice kids parents will not let their kids be friends with her; she scores PERFECT on her taks tests but when medicated she sleeps all day and ends up failing every class. She wants to, and has attempted suicide. She refuses to wash her face and hair or wear clean clothes, but continually calls herself ugly.

She is in a pit of despair and I don’t know how to help her. She was my beautiful, blond, dancing, singing, laughing, creative, genius daughter and I miss her—but i still respect and support and LOVE this little girl who needs support and love and encouragement from those around her despite her words and actions that are only meant to harm herself and push people away.

It is working. On most days I know I am not the only who still loves her, but I also know that I am the only one that can forgive her.

On many days i wonder if anyone else will ever understand and remember that she is just a little girl.

every time she cuts i cry

every time she cuts i cry

she cuts
she cuts a lot
she cuts her legs, she cuts her arms
she scars
she will hate it one day and people will wonder why she cuts…and she will cry.

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