my post on another blog…but this is mine…

You Have No Idea

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear Mom and Dad:

I love you and appreciate how much you have done for me and my kids, but please stop reminding me what a good girl I was and telling me how to raise my own kids. You have no idea.

I know the music they listen to is wild and crazy and yes, there are cuss words in it. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I listened to anything other than Garth Brooks–I had a poster of Axle rose in my closet smoking a joint. I spent the night with a friend and went to a Motley Crue concert. The band that talked about shouting at the DEVIL!!!

It is really horrible that S sneaks cigarettes and hides in the woods to smoke them–how could i possibly raise such a horrible daughter that hides in the woods smoking-
I remember how good I was in the afternoons taking care of the horses out in the pasture.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I spent years in the woods “riding horses” while I was actually inhaling gasoline and spray paint fumes from paper lunch sacks, trying my best to get high from the time i was 12 years old.

I know 15 is a little young to be on birth control pills and I should teach abstinence instead of promoting sex. YOU HAVE NO IDEA–how many times i thought i was pregnant before I actually did get pregnant in high school YOU HAVE NO IDEA how many guys I had sex with. Even after all the abstinence talk (at 15 years old)

I know I should make A. get a job. He is old enough isn’t he. I know how responsible i was at 17. I remember all the money I earned at Pizza Hut and buying all my own clothes from the time i was 16. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I sold hits of acid that i kept inside a dress on one of my teddy bears. I bought sheeets of acid in Dallas with my Pizza Hut tips and turned around and sold them for $300. I bought an entire keg for a party when I was 16. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I probably should think seriously about not letting S. use her cell phone at night, she does need her sleep. I know, I was not allowed to use the phone after 9pm and had to be in the bed by 10:30. YOU HAVE NO IDEA, I snuck out almost every night and ran to the payphone at the store down the street and within ten minutes would be at a party somewhere hanging out until dawn.

I know I should punish them for making bad grades. Yes, S. could have done better in her math class last year. I remember what a good student I was. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how many tests I stole the answers for. Everyone at school knew where to get them and paid me for them. Remember the time i got caught selling answers and failed my chemistry test during senior year? That was the only time I got caught after YEARS of stealing tests, or boinking the government teacher that lived down the street.

I know me and the kids and the psychiatrists use bipolar disorder as an excuse for bad behaivor and lazy parenting. I completely understand that even when I did go crazy and run away to Mexico at 15, and when I became suicidal and cried every day for three months that you were not going to let me make that mental illness excuse that others were making. Everyone is 100% responsible for themselves, or they should be in some kind of a home somewhere. I’m glad you let me go years and years without medication even though you knew that others in your family had committed suicide or been hospitalized. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I self medicated from the time I was 12. You have no idea how much I suffered because I was different and crazy or so depressed I couldn’t move.

I know and remember what an awesome little girl I was. I was a credit to my parents that raised me and it is a shame that my kids are lacking. Maybe one day I will heed your advice and start disciplining my children appropriately. When that happens, we can all be glad for the advice you have given me, that helped keep my children out of the slums and off the streets.

Thank you

The daughter you know nothing about.

The fuckwad father of my kids…

So many of my friends are tired of listening to my rants about my exhusband…the fuckwad father of my two oldest kids.

Life with him was misery from Day 1-and I am sure I will get to many of those sordid details eventually.

July-I take Savannah to our hometown, where he still lives, to visit my family for a fourth of july shindig at the mudding pits (yes, you heard me, muddin’ pit-people who pay to take their trucks and four wheelers round and round in circles in waist deep piles of brown mud).  try it. its fun!

anyway, so fuckwad sees Sav and AJ all of 2 days that weekend, but she wants to stay and visit…so he tells me he can’t bring her all the way home so I have to meet him halfway-176 miles is halway.  I can’t because my car is in the shop and I have to take off work with nothing to drive all week…so, he says I will have to pay him 100 bucks to bring her home…after I had taken her all the way there, not only over the fourth, but also at Easter.  FUCKWAD.  But, I paid, because she wanted to stay and see friends and I needed a break.

She calls him a month ago and asks if he can come and get her for Thanksgiving and he says No because he only gets three days off work.  So, he can’t spend one day coming to get her and one day bringing her home, So i said i would meet him halfway.  Fucker decides to take call over the holiday so he can get overtime, which means he can’t come get her.  So, his parents meet me to take her and AJ to their house for Thanksgiving so they can see their cousins and friends.  He sees them 1 day for about 8 hours. Then, his parents bring them all the way home.  His mom told me because I always bring them home 4 times per year, they can bring them back to me on occasion.

I don’t know how i found such a loser, mostly because my self esteem was so bad as a teenager, and I fell so in love with him.  He started hitting me within a month after we married, kicked me in the stomach when i was pregnant with AJ, cheated on me with a 15 year old girl, cheated on me again when i was pregnant with sav., didn’t pay child support for 4 years until i had him arrested but the worst thing this son of a bitch fuckwad has done is not care about seeing his kids, not coming to see them, not seeing any baseball or basketball games.  How on earth are there men out there that can be such pieces of shit.

As you can tell, I am still not over the hatred I feel for him.  Everytime I try to give him a break he helps me realize, once again, that he is a fuckwad.

My poor kids.

Summary-my poor kids.  As much as I hate their dad, it will never equal the amount they love him, and will always love him, because he is their dad.

I’m pissed because-I wasted 14 years of my life with a man who isn’t worth the gum on the bottom of my shoes.

This month I am dong the blog a day thing, and the topic is thanks.  So, each day I will write a thank you to God at the end of each post.

Thank you god for giving me the nerve and courage to leave fuckwad and move 300 miles away to start my new life.

the pto bitches…

A friend’s son the other day introduced me as “Jodi-she’s in the PTO”.  WOw, that caught me by surprise because, well, because i have never been in the PTO before last year, so I still don’t see myself as a PTO mom.

When AJ and Savvy were young and in school i was a total freak.  We left asshole fuckwad when AJ was in first grade and moved here where NOONE knew me.  No rumors to get back to my grandparents, no friends to stop hanging out with me…so that was a huge amount of freedom.  Let me tell you, I went pretty wild–even though I had two little kids.  I started dating, started going to six street with 21 year olds, lost 25 pounds and wore good butt jeans and great boob tops.  and, well, I didn’t care to get to know the moms at the school.  I thought it was cool that I was younger than most (27 when we moved here), so i thought I had nothing in common with those moms and so I found friends among the kids that worked for me at the University where i worked.

so, basically i just didn’t give a shit about the PTO.

Now, I am a PTO mom, just ask my friend’s kid.  I am room mom for Kati’s first grade class and was for her kinder class.  I do the yearbook for the school grades pre-k through 2 (with above mentioned friend).  I do the PTO newsletter every 2 months.  I worked like a dog on the fall festival fundraiser, I go to as many PTO meetings as possible and I try my best to kiss the asses of other room moms and others who are involved with the school.

WHY?  Because I want Kati to popular.  (not as in popular cheerleader freako), but as in, that is Kati and she is really nice. As in, moms wanting her to be friends with their kids.  As in, don’t forget to invite Kati or Lets choose Kati to be on our t-ball team this year.  I want the moms of the other girls and boys to like me so that when they are all in the 8th grade they will call me if they hear something about her and they will want their sons to date her and they will want their daughters to be friends with her.

And to me, the worst thing of all is…I hote the PTO bitches.  THey gossip and talk bad about everyone.  They are up at the school all day doing nothing but talking bad about the people who aren’t in the PTO and worse than that they talk about the kids.  This kid had lice last year, this kid’s mom is a whore that married an 80 year old man, this kids mom had cervical cancer and “you know that means she slept around”.

Now, I know what the other moms were saying about me ten years ago.  Now, I know why AJ and Savannah never had a chance in this small little town–because I was the mom that was a regular in the bar ever wednesday night.  I was the mom who had an illigitimate daughter with a fireman.  I was the mom who (God forbid) worked all the time and couldn’t go to the field trips and the school parties.  ANd, I didn’t know how important it was for my kids to NOT BE THAT MOM.

Now, i am sometimes petrified that someone will find out that I used to be that mom.  Some of the teachers AJ and Savannah had are still there and I am scared they will tell someone else.  Some of the moms have kids in junior high and highschool and I am scared they will see me with Savannah and know how bad she is and know that I totally fucked her up.

Most of all I am petrified for my sweet, wonderful perfect Kati.  She is a good girl and for so many reasons will never have the problems A and S have had—asshole fuckwad drunk dad for one.  But, most of all she has a mom that knows how important it is to be a good mom and be a part of her life EVERY DAY. Maybe that makes me a PTO mom.

Now, off to lunch with another PTO mom.  She is cool PTO mom like me and we don’t talk about anybody except the bitchy PTO moms.

summary: i have a major parenting guilt trip

i’m pissed because: i have 15 minutes to meet my friend for lunch