my best birthday ever…and the worst

Wow, December 9th 2000!  I had three AWESOME friends—Jenny, Ali and Alicia and they were great–probably the best friends I have ever had (and have now–at least Jen and Ali) anyway, I was newly single from fuckwad exhusband and then dumbass volleyball rebound dude…so I was SKINNY and loving it…and also incredibly manic.

I think it was a Wednesday, and I had planned a little after work party for the loyal employees of the bookstore I worked at…at a badass taproom type eatery/bar with the most AWESOME chicken wings and ribs (seriously awesome) and so, after about 5 yummy creamy bailey’s irish cream type drinks (i believe they were called scooby doos) I made my way over to the cutest bartender ever and tried unsuccesfully to flirt with him…but since his girlriend was a waitress, that didn’t work out..   he told me i should get my belly button pierced—and I did, right next door…and it hurt like hell, but i felt so GREAT!  So happy to be away from fuckwad ex and dumbass rebound dude I was flirty and cute and skinny and had lots of friends and a couple of really great friends.

I don’t think i will ever forget that birthday because i felt so good and happy.

I wish i felt that good and happy all the time.  That was 2000—in 2001, number 30, I was sitting in the hospital waiting room while my little kati-pie was having emergency heart surgery. Everyone was asking me how it felt to be 30 and i was like “are you freaking kidding me, my baby is in the hospital—i could care less that i am 30 years old.”Only 1 year later and my life had totally changed.

December 9, 2006, I literally wanted to die from the JC breakup–I stopped at one of the overlooks on the way to the babysitter’s house and seriously contemplated ramming my car through the chain link fence.  Thank god I didn’t–Thank my kids I didnt,  that break up kept me crying for 18 months, and now, 2008—I am a college graduate, my kids are a little fucked but mostly healthy (except for the strep throat we’ve had all week) and for the first time in my life i don’t feel the need to have a boyfriend.  Very liberating.

So, I am not as happy as i have been before, but i see happiness ahead of me somewhere and I know I will find it out there somewhere. I miss my friends so much and miss all the fun I used to have.  Miss being cute and really miss my sexy tummy.  Miss my kids being little and sweet.  But, truly honestly completely do not miss being 29.

The good thing is I am not nearly as sad as I have been before.  I’m in between but mostly happy for now.  Hoping depression d oesn’t creep back in.

summary—i’m fucking old, but have a few good years left in me

I’m pissed because—I miss JENNY.

I’m thankful for:  my kids–they are the only reason I didn’t kill myself two years ago—They have each saved me from myself more than once.

Tweet tweet, tweet-a-leet…im all a twitter…

coolio hoolio, i am a twittering freak.  I am all about this new social networking craze–why, because i work in nonprofit communications/marketing and this is an AWESOME way to get the word out about your org.  So, i am facebook, wordpress, digg it, flickring, tweeting fool!!!  I am looking for a new job and i really need to have some experience with all the various possibilities…and their are literally thousands already.  no, i will not use this blog as an example of my best work.  I don’t blog from my work, but I blog about my nonprofit on other sites.

Its fun.  I unfortunately don’t have many friends following me right now because none of my friends are tweeting, although i have 75 Facebook friends and that happened over night.  So, i follow others and really enjoy reading the news this way and finding people to follow and read about their daily lives.  It is rather interesting.  i notice alot of bloggers out there tweeting and i assume this might be a good way to invite users to your blog.

Digg It is also a good way to get users to your blog.  I love Digg too because I absolutely LOVE the news and reading interesting news that isn’t necessarily from my usual reading list is very cool, very broadening i think.    I got more blog hits by posting my blog address to my Digg profile than any other way, but, i realized it too was tied to my gmail account so it could be accessed and i could be found eventually.  God, i would really hate that.  I love the anonimity of this mom in hell thing.  is anonimity a word?

I also really LOVE FLickr.  I have joined several photography groups and one of my photos one a cool award in a group.  it is really awesome when someone comments on a photo, invites a photo to a group or faves a photo of mine.  I am upgrading to a full account for my birthdya and plan on buying a new camera soon too.  I feel this is a hobby where i can make some local friends and I really need friends…more on that later.

so, now i have an alter ego everything…a new yahoo address, a new twitter account, a new digg account…i am a freak living a double life, but it is cool until i get bored with it.  As i have stated before, anything to divert myself.

btw.  I had a one night fling with a black guy on second life.  he asked me if i liked to swing—swing— on Amity Island—you can seriously see Jaws swimming in the ocean out there.  so we went skinny dipping, then went to the drive in and tried to make out.  It was interesting.  i got bored fast and realized by the weird pauses between conversation that he probably had a wife somewhere walking in and he was scared to get caught.

Did you read that story…hold on, i have to digg it up…lol…woman divorces husband for second life affair... seriously…this is fucked up.  it is true, there are two people dumb enough to meet on a virtual world site, have a virtual wedding and still live virtual lives while they sit side by side at their laptops…and then they divorce over virtual affairs.  Again, WHAT THE FUCK.

so, soon, maybe tonight i will try to figure out how to post my twitter address on my site and if you want to follow my tweeting i would LOVE IT.

Tomorrow, more about my wonderful week with Savannah—but tomorrow night could end it all cause we are going to the big city and she could go insane with all the lights and glitter.  ha ha

Have you noticed some of my sarcasm has wained, i’ve been pretty happy lately.

Summary:  Twittering is the next big thing—i bet in a year it is the BIGGEST thing in social networking.  Did you hear FB tried to buy Twitter and they would not sell—500 million freaking dollars?  read about it here.

I’m pissed because…I keep twittering and blogging and facebooking and flickring and I forgot to brush my teeth three days in a row  (ha, not really, but i haven’t shaved my legs in three weeks)

I’m thankful for:  I almost got laid on second life.  The dude looked just like the hot dude from criminal minds.

j

I am a person with an internet disability…people first ;)

Damn, i have been trying to post for a freaking hour tonight and now it is after 11 pm, and this could actually post on tomorrow which means i have already failed at posting everyday for a month, on day 3—but it is still day three to me!!!!   There are so many people out there with no idea what it means to be internet disabled.

I live in the boonies of hell…the term BFE come to mind?  Now, the big kids and i say B F’n E cause that is where we live…right in the middle of no internet connection hell!!!  Seriously, we live on a mountain of a huge hill and there are trees all around us and a river and the hill is so steep that we couldn’t go to town for four days in a row last year cause of ice.  NO RAILINGS on our little bitty suck-ass road.  So, of course, Verizon thinks that no way are these mountain folk gonna need high speed internet.

Satellite you say?  HA!  Ever heard the term “clear view of the the southern sky”?  Well, we don’t have it.

So, i resort to AT&T– for 75 bucks a month i have a little doohickey (yes that is a real word) hanging out of the side of my computer so that while i am upstairs, in my room or our living room up here, I can usually, but not always get some kind of internet connection—as long as the weather is perfect, and all the planets and stars are aligned properly.

Tonight, not so good!  I literally have been trying to post a photo to wordpress for an hour from my flickr account.  It is a great photo.  you should see it, but you can’t because my internet freaking sucks!  Then, right when it starts to go through, i can see that the thinking process has ended and the phto is about to upload…BAM, my little doohicky gets knocked off the side of the computer by my dumbass dog.  FUCK!

So tell me Mr. Verizon dude from the phone company that keeps pretending that all of his customers have internet broadband access—why the fuck is it that I live 27 miles from one of the biggest and best universities in the country and 18 miles from one of the top three public universities in the state of Texas…and only 27 miles from the high tech capital of the US (i think-right?)  and you don’t think it is cost effective to put in broadband cable?

Summary   YOU SUCK! Verizon that is.

I’m pissed because I live in the 1800’s out here when it rains or the wind blows a little bit i am stuck reading the weather on my cell phone.

I’m thankful for:   the internet—what in the hell would i be up doing all night long without it.

materialism, greed and christmas…

They go hand in hand right?  It is amazing how the joy of giving has become the expectation of receiving for so many people.  How people go crazy trying to outdo each other-especially when it comes to kids.

I grew up lower middle class.  We had good christmases.  I remember times when my grandmother (bigmamma) would give my mom money to shop for us from her and then we would have to return it after christmas to pay the electric bill.  One year it was a VCR–like in 1985 when VCR’s were not in every room of every house and a movie cost 60 bucks…remember.  I wanted that VCR so bad.

My kids have been lucky i think.  AJ told me that he doesn’t remember one time i have ever given him something he truly wanted.  THe ipod, he wanted a 4 gig and only got a 2 gig.  The playstation 2 , he wanted an XBOX, the ibanez guitar and amp, who knows what he wanted instead.  All of the above presents, he has lost, sold or let someone have (the guitar he let a friend have).  The playstion 2 he sold for 15 dollars.  He told me that a few weeks ago and I wondered where i have gone wrong with him.  I have never had much money at christmas and have sold stuff, not payed a bill, or borrowed a little money to give the kids at least one nice thing each year.  I also made sure to buy them a good book each year.  When he moved out, he threw his books away.  How could they have no sentimental value to him at all?

The best gifts for me are about the sentiment…a book i loved as a child is an important gift for me to give my kids.  This year I am buying my dad a copy of Where the red fern grows—READ THIS BOOK—because my grandaddy loved the book so much.  Grandaddy read the book when he was 70 years old and cried his eyes out.  I say again—read this book!

Apparently, it isnt about the sentiment too much anymore, when people are stomping all over others in an attempt to get a sale price on a new tv.  Its not about the joy of giving anymore is it…poor Jesus, how sad he must be to see his birthday desecrated in such a way.

This year AJ is getting a pair of socks and a sweatshirt for christmas…with a box of job applications.

summary:  How do poor people spoil their kids?  What do i do different with Kati-pie?

I’m pissed because: someone died at Walmart under a pack of crazy wild animals trying to get a good deal.

I’m really pissed about that.  What is happening to humanity?

Im thankful for: my favorite christmas memory as a child—my parents were really broke, dad hadnt worked in 2 months so we all wrote on index cards what we would do that day for another person in the family.   that was nice and it didn’t cost anything.

Did you see the moon tonight…badass…

It was beautiful, the crescent moon shining bright with venus and jupiter only a few feet away-(  Jupiter is 250 million miles away, venus is 94 million and the moon only 235,000…WOW.

We saw it on the drive home from picking up Kati with Ms. Eva-babysitter.  Its funny, I called another friend of mine to tell her and she was like…no big deal.  I think it is so weird when people don’t have natural curiosity about nature, or beauty-don’t you?

It is amazing to me to think about some family in Texas, 2000 years ago, finsihing their dinner and looking up at the moon with jupiter and venus and all the stars around and wondering if something was about to happen, if it was a sign of something good…or bad.  Did they freak out? Hide? Pray?  Smoke the good smoke and  imagine themselves up in space?

Amazing…

Even Savannah was excited and took her camera out to get pictures.  By the time i got home jupiter and venus were already behind the trees.

Kati asked me if we could look up online how many stars there are-she loves ask.com.  I told her that no one in the entire world except god knows how many stars there are.  She was amazed at that possibilty.  That no one knows.  I remember once sitting alone in the dark on the beach one night…bout stoned out of my mind, thinking that for every grain of sand i was sitting on their was at least one star in the sky.  Have you ever seen the stars from a beach 50 miles from any light source except flashlights?  It is amazing what you think you see in the city, even in my little country area, and then to go so much further away and really see it!

And some people can just sit in their homes and stare at the tv and not even bother to check it out.

God is so amazing.

Tonight I am thankful that God gave us the wonderful stars in the sky and that my two beautiful girls  both have enough wonder and curiosity in them to want to go out and see them and take pictures and talk about them.

summarry:  The stars at night, are big and bright…DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!!!   (and in other places, just better here)

I’m pissed because…my freaking dog Marley will not keep his ass off my laptop.  When I open it he thinks that means i want to pet him

BTW:  Both Kati and Savvy are asleep beside me tonight.  Sav is lonely and has been sleeping with me for two days now.

j