my bathroom is disgusting. photos coming soon.

Today is my day off, actually today and tomorrow are my days off and I have SO MUCH TO DO!  I have been working tirelessly (for about 25 minutes) folding clothes and sorting clothes from Savannah’s room…then, i decided to check out regis and kelly for a few minutes, boom i am on the computer and now, notta–if i start this now i won’t get up until it is time to pick up the girls and then be pissed off all night that i didn’t do anything.

I seriously want to take pictures of my filthy house to post online.  My bathroom is horrible, no bugs crawling around or anything, but the trash (a target bag) is overflowing, there are old coffee cups in one sink and the other sink is full of makeup and face cleaning supplies.  there is toothpaste all over the edge of a sink and hair everywhere!!!  also, a box of tampons spilling out of the floor on one side of the toilet and potting soil on the other side from when marley the mutt jumped on the back of the toilet to escape from a flea bath—THREE WEEKS AGO!  yes, i haven’t cleaned up dirt from my bathroom floor in three weeks.  Also, since Kati has encopresis (sever, extreme constipation and difficulty going to the bathroom) so, we keep all of her used panties in a basket in the bathroom for washing on the weekends–that is a five step process to get those suckers clean—but still, i haven’t washed them in two weeks so it is starting to get pretty stinky in there too. the toilet bowl?  well, we live out in the coutnry with a well and lots of minerals so there are some serious stains going on in there, but not groce stuff—just mineral stains.

so that is my bathroom. I am a mess, a wreck, a disaster of laziness and being completely overwhelmed and trying my best to stay so busy in the outside world that i don’t have time to see how my inner world is so fucked up.  Like why i am 40 pounds overweight, and i have no desire to get naked in front of myself much less  man and my daughter just spent a week in jail and my other daughter can’t have friends over because our bathroom is so filthy and because i am scared Savannah will have a screaming cussing fit in front of some 7 year old little girl.

so today i am pissed off at my bathroom.  That seems like the appropriate object of contempt right now!

summary: I’m too embarrassed of my filthy house to hire someone to clean it.

my dickhead brother

Savannah came home today and of course was all manicky not only because she was happy to get out of jail, but also because the fucking idiots at the detention center forgot to give her her medicine last night–even after i spoke to the commander last week.

so anyway, she comes home all happy and hugging everyone and of course jason wouldn’t hug her; he said she was a dumbass and he wouldn’t hug her.  I know i sound like a 10 year old, but he is a fucking fat asshole.

seriously, he is 32 years old; lives on the couch downstairs and has done nothing but play video games for the last 3 months before my parents finally made him get a job.  now, he has decided he wants to take over savannah’s room upstairs so now Kati has to move all of her toys back into my room so savannah can have that room and we have to put up with him up here.  He weighs 350 pounds and sits around talking about what a wonderful football player he was in highschool and how many fine girlfriends he had.  Key word–HAD.

Savannah comes upstairs crying calling him a dickhead and all i can say is “calm down” when what i want to do is grab my coffee mug and throw it downstairs on his fucking head…and in my head i am thinking dickhead dickhead dickhead…

Savannah is happy to be home, but i am worried she will have a bad day at school again tomorrow.  she doesn’t take responsibility for her actions; instead blaming the school for telling on her, her probation officer for arresting her, me for allowing it and the judge for making her stay a week…not herself because she wouldn’t follow school rules, or herself for getting put on probation in the first place.  until she learns that it is her fault she will never ever learn.

she is holding me hostage everyday until she turns 18.  i am a prisoner of her hatefulness, mania, depression, violence, hostility, etc.  It has been two years already since her first major bipolar outburst and we still haven’t made it very far–and i think we have a much further way to go.

i’m really tired and really sad.

Weeds….the tv show.

i love weeds.  i have always loved mary louise parker–is she gay, i can’t remember—not that there is anything wrong with that.–   any way, when i first started watching it on netflix instant movies (I LOVE THIS FEATURE OF NETFLIX) I thought she was so cool…she was trying so hard to be a good mom and provide for her kids and struggle through being a mom and her husbands death and all that comes with it…

then, oh my god, she is crazy!  the pot thing–well, that is the premise of the show and i love a good smoke every once in awhile–it has been awhile since it makes me crazy paranoid and weepy–but she just got so fucked up with it so soon.  why couldn’t she just sell to doug and the bitches husband-elizabeth perkins.

her kids became second to her materialism really quickly.  she couldn’t give up a few things like a normal woman would when they become a single mom, oh no, she keeps the maid, keeps the house in the suburbs, and stops being present with her kids.

that sucks.  but i still love that show.  i love the way she fucks up every episode.  i love the way she gets fucked once in awhile—i live vicariously through her sex and danger.  i wish i was her friend–that woman really needs a good friend.  when i think of myself as a bad mom, i can watch weeds and know i am not really that screwed up.  my teenage son is NOT selling my weed to make money for the family.  my seven year old is not coming downstairs in the middle of the night to find herself alone.

but, i still wish i was her friend and i could ride around with her and maybe meet the dude–the black due–damn he is hot.  i would have fucked him up and down the wall a LONG time ago. (it’s been two years)

summary:  mary louise parker-gay?? pot dealer, not present with kids

elizabeth perkins–bitch

black guy–hot

teenager–fucked

little boy—sad.

me—kinda jealous, but really usually relieved that i am not the worst mom out there.

sex—been two years

pot—reminds me it has been two years

Netflix–very cool

I’m pissed because: my son refuses to sell pot to help out the family. 

she’s coming home tomorrow

Savannah’s probation officer called and she plans to release her tomorrow. I visited her on Sunday and she sounded and looked good; sounded positive and like she understood that she had to change. Lisa said the same thing. Will it work this time? Who knows how long she will stay on track.

I have to start building her self-esteem, but i don’t know how. She is so smart–why won’t she do better in school? What can we do for her to help her finish her school work and pass all of her classes? Threats don’t work, obviously; bribes don’t really work either because once she has recieved the promised thing, she goes back to normal the very next day. I can’t continually give her something for work that is expected—that can’t be building self esteem.

I don’t know what to do for her. My boss suggested I put her in charge of something. we do the march of dimes walk every year; maybe if i put her in charge of building our webpage, blogging and finding donors she would like that (i doubt it).

She is so beautiful when she tries. When she cut her hair last year so short it really affected her self esteem even more. Now, it continually looks like shit and so she feels that nothing she does will detract from that.
when she tries to look nice she does. When she tries to be happy she is. When she tries to be good, she is wonderful.

I want to cry for her every time i think about what kind of life she has had over the last few years.
She looks up to AJ so much, she can’t be normal because he is so abnormal and she wants to be just like him.

Todd is no help at all with them; he hasnt called since I told him she was in. he didn’t even ask if he could call her or anything. he hasn’t called or talked to AJ in months. How could i have ever thought he was a decent man? How stupid i was.

CARE about girls

http://www.care.org/getinvolved/girleffect/

This is an extremely cool video about the power of girls and women.

i’m a bad mom, football more important than bedtime.

It is almost 11 pm and Kati is laying beside me on the couch crying because she is so tired, but i am watching the last two minutes of the giants/eagles came and really wanting the eagles to beat the hell out of those giants.

I am 10-3 so far this weekend; one more game and i will beat  dad and the boys.

GO EAGLES!

update:  the eagles lost in the last minute of the game.  much like UT lost to Tech in the last second.

I’m pissed because:  Dallas is in fourth place in the NFC East.

Summary;  i fucking hate the giants.

WE LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT!!!

Kati and I celebrated a little mommy/kati time today and went to the movies to see Madagascar: Escape to Africa. I heard Gene Shalit review it and he was soooo right. I laughed along with the other parents ten times more than Kati did. The hipppo chick Gloria has a new love interest who is hilarious…and the penguins are in fine form.
Kati and I have been singing “I like to move it move it, she likes to move it move it, we like to move it move it–MOVE IT” I have to get the soundtrack to this movie!

We have all been listening to my ipod in the morning with Savannah’s playlist–a burst of inspirational savvy! Another one bites the dust, bohemian rapsody, pretty young thing, journey, shake your booty, lots of fun wake up early morning songs. It is fun to sing and dance with the girls in the car in the mornings.

I saw Savannah today. She seems more positive than i have ever seen her while she is in detention. She only called Jason a cock-sucker one time! ONE TIME!

I was up at 1 am crying about her. Finally got up for some constructive computer/tv time.

I stayed in my pj’s from Friday afternoon at 3:30 until today at 1:30. What a wonderful way to spend a weekend. I got a lot done, but not enough and now i need to be getting more laundry folded rather than blogging and emailing and facebooking…(new verb)!

my favorite quote right now: You must have chaos within yourself to give birth to a dancing star–i think this is from Nitche? Too lazy to check spelling right now—anyway, i love my two dancing stars.

summary:  music, movies and dancing bring people together

i’m pissed because:  i only have 2 pair of pajamas that fit.

kati pie

Kati has no idea where Savannah is; she rarely mentions it and i think is relieved to have some time alone with me without all the stress Savannah and I create.

Yesterday we watched “My Dog Skip” and she laid in my lap and cried through the last 15 minutes. We played dominoes but she got mad because my attention was on another movie so she ended up playing by herself.

We cleaned her closet together and made a huge pile of stuffed animals similar to ET in one half and she has to touch each animal as it says “yes” or “no” or “hi” to me while i arrange them in the order they prefer–so they can sit by their friends. The sole purpose of her barbies or high school musical dolls is to ride one of the 30 small horses she owns.

I don’t want her to grow up. Right now she wants to be a rodeo girl when she grows up and I never want that to change.

Compassion for Savannah-

Savannah is 14. She is in jail tonight and will be for the next 5 days. She yells and screams and cusses and sometimes refuses to do the simplest things—like clean the living room. She hates her sister and hates me–hates the world except for her friends who tell her to stop taking her medicine so she will be the old Savannah. The old Savannah gets thrown in jail; the old Savannah bites her mother; the old Savannah smokes pot to escape. Why do her friends want this person back who laughs inappropriately and stays up all night shaking, crying and cutting. Why can’t she see that that person will never be successful and will never have true friends–will always be ostracized. Will always have fresh scars on her beautiful legs and arms.

My dad asked me last night why he should care about Savannah–what she has done to deserve his respect or support?

SHE IS 14!!! She takes showers alone in the dark because she hates herself so much. She wakes in the night with nightmares about men raping her; she hears voices constantly around her whispering behind her back that she is worthless; she cuts herself with knives, razor blades, even forks and has even used the edge of our metal roof; she puts cigarettes out on her arms and legs; she cries and cries and cries because she rarely keeps friends for more than a month at a time; the nice kids parents will not let their kids be friends with her; she scores PERFECT on her taks tests but when medicated she sleeps all day and ends up failing every class. She wants to, and has attempted suicide. She refuses to wash her face and hair or wear clean clothes, but continually calls herself ugly.

She is in a pit of despair and I don’t know how to help her. She was my beautiful, blond, dancing, singing, laughing, creative, genius daughter and I miss her—but i still respect and support and LOVE this little girl who needs support and love and encouragement from those around her despite her words and actions that are only meant to harm herself and push people away.

It is working. On most days I know I am not the only who still loves her, but I also know that I am the only one that can forgive her.

On many days i wonder if anyone else will ever understand and remember that she is just a little girl.