The fuckwad father of my kids…

So many of my friends are tired of listening to my rants about my exhusband…the fuckwad father of my two oldest kids.

Life with him was misery from Day 1-and I am sure I will get to many of those sordid details eventually.

July-I take Savannah to our hometown, where he still lives, to visit my family for a fourth of july shindig at the mudding pits (yes, you heard me, muddin’ pit-people who pay to take their trucks and four wheelers round and round in circles in waist deep piles of brown mud).  try it. its fun!

anyway, so fuckwad sees Sav and AJ all of 2 days that weekend, but she wants to stay and visit…so he tells me he can’t bring her all the way home so I have to meet him halfway-176 miles is halway.  I can’t because my car is in the shop and I have to take off work with nothing to drive all week…so, he says I will have to pay him 100 bucks to bring her home…after I had taken her all the way there, not only over the fourth, but also at Easter.  FUCKWAD.  But, I paid, because she wanted to stay and see friends and I needed a break.

She calls him a month ago and asks if he can come and get her for Thanksgiving and he says No because he only gets three days off work.  So, he can’t spend one day coming to get her and one day bringing her home, So i said i would meet him halfway.  Fucker decides to take call over the holiday so he can get overtime, which means he can’t come get her.  So, his parents meet me to take her and AJ to their house for Thanksgiving so they can see their cousins and friends.  He sees them 1 day for about 8 hours. Then, his parents bring them all the way home.  His mom told me because I always bring them home 4 times per year, they can bring them back to me on occasion.

I don’t know how i found such a loser, mostly because my self esteem was so bad as a teenager, and I fell so in love with him.  He started hitting me within a month after we married, kicked me in the stomach when i was pregnant with AJ, cheated on me with a 15 year old girl, cheated on me again when i was pregnant with sav., didn’t pay child support for 4 years until i had him arrested but the worst thing this son of a bitch fuckwad has done is not care about seeing his kids, not coming to see them, not seeing any baseball or basketball games.  How on earth are there men out there that can be such pieces of shit.

As you can tell, I am still not over the hatred I feel for him.  Everytime I try to give him a break he helps me realize, once again, that he is a fuckwad.

My poor kids.

Summary-my poor kids.  As much as I hate their dad, it will never equal the amount they love him, and will always love him, because he is their dad.

I’m pissed because-I wasted 14 years of my life with a man who isn’t worth the gum on the bottom of my shoes.

This month I am dong the blog a day thing, and the topic is thanks.  So, each day I will write a thank you to God at the end of each post.

Thank you god for giving me the nerve and courage to leave fuckwad and move 300 miles away to start my new life.

My thanksgiving

blanco river at the camp

I spent the last week in a wonderful state of thanksgiving celebration and have been unable to write because my family has been so close and i have been unable to get away.  We have a huge family reunion camp out every year with aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, etc…lots of fun.  We all sleep in two rooms of a huge bunkhouse and try our best to sleep through the snores of the others.  Sharing one bathroom, no heater (fireplace)  thank god it didn’t get too cold this weekend.  So, there was no internet connection for three days.  Then, took off to Round Rock to spend another four days with my brother and his wife…sleeping on the living room floor and although i had computer, i had no free time or private time to even think about blogging..since i don’t want them to see my blog.

so, for my glorious readers…all 3 of you…sorry!

other thinks i am thankful for…Savannah was gone since Monday…till today.  It was wonderful and she had fun with her grandparents and friends.  Glad she got to go.  Also, spent lots of quality time with Kati-pie, it was her birthday so we celebrated with olive garden and watching lost all day today!

Now, back to ranting…

Cool Mosaic of me…

1. on the road with jodi, 2. Three mullioned window – Trifora, 3. canton eagles water tower, 4. The closed window, 5. Texan?, 6. Ritas, 7. Primary Stillness, 8. Why Me, 9. welcome home

the pto bitches…

A friend’s son the other day introduced me as “Jodi-she’s in the PTO”.  WOw, that caught me by surprise because, well, because i have never been in the PTO before last year, so I still don’t see myself as a PTO mom.

When AJ and Savvy were young and in school i was a total freak.  We left asshole fuckwad when AJ was in first grade and moved here where NOONE knew me.  No rumors to get back to my grandparents, no friends to stop hanging out with me…so that was a huge amount of freedom.  Let me tell you, I went pretty wild–even though I had two little kids.  I started dating, started going to six street with 21 year olds, lost 25 pounds and wore good butt jeans and great boob tops.  and, well, I didn’t care to get to know the moms at the school.  I thought it was cool that I was younger than most (27 when we moved here), so i thought I had nothing in common with those moms and so I found friends among the kids that worked for me at the University where i worked.

so, basically i just didn’t give a shit about the PTO.

Now, I am a PTO mom, just ask my friend’s kid.  I am room mom for Kati’s first grade class and was for her kinder class.  I do the yearbook for the school grades pre-k through 2 (with above mentioned friend).  I do the PTO newsletter every 2 months.  I worked like a dog on the fall festival fundraiser, I go to as many PTO meetings as possible and I try my best to kiss the asses of other room moms and others who are involved with the school.

WHY?  Because I want Kati to popular.  (not as in popular cheerleader freako), but as in, that is Kati and she is really nice. As in, moms wanting her to be friends with their kids.  As in, don’t forget to invite Kati or Lets choose Kati to be on our t-ball team this year.  I want the moms of the other girls and boys to like me so that when they are all in the 8th grade they will call me if they hear something about her and they will want their sons to date her and they will want their daughters to be friends with her.

And to me, the worst thing of all is…I hote the PTO bitches.  THey gossip and talk bad about everyone.  They are up at the school all day doing nothing but talking bad about the people who aren’t in the PTO and worse than that they talk about the kids.  This kid had lice last year, this kid’s mom is a whore that married an 80 year old man, this kids mom had cervical cancer and “you know that means she slept around”.

Now, I know what the other moms were saying about me ten years ago.  Now, I know why AJ and Savannah never had a chance in this small little town–because I was the mom that was a regular in the bar ever wednesday night.  I was the mom who had an illigitimate daughter with a fireman.  I was the mom who (God forbid) worked all the time and couldn’t go to the field trips and the school parties.  ANd, I didn’t know how important it was for my kids to NOT BE THAT MOM.

Now, i am sometimes petrified that someone will find out that I used to be that mom.  Some of the teachers AJ and Savannah had are still there and I am scared they will tell someone else.  Some of the moms have kids in junior high and highschool and I am scared they will see me with Savannah and know how bad she is and know that I totally fucked her up.

Most of all I am petrified for my sweet, wonderful perfect Kati.  She is a good girl and for so many reasons will never have the problems A and S have had—asshole fuckwad drunk dad for one.  But, most of all she has a mom that knows how important it is to be a good mom and be a part of her life EVERY DAY. Maybe that makes me a PTO mom.

Now, off to lunch with another PTO mom.  She is cool PTO mom like me and we don’t talk about anybody except the bitchy PTO moms.

summary: i have a major parenting guilt trip

i’m pissed because: i have 15 minutes to meet my friend for lunch

have you freaks ever heard of snopes???

my home town, Texas..population 4000…number of people that use the internet—150.  Number of people who email me the same shit over and over—100.

email friend 1,          stayathomemom71@boredasfuck.com (highschool friend who got my email address 3 months ago)   she  sends a chain letter a day…clap my hands six times, pant like a dog, blink twice, forward this to five friends and  Johny Depp  is going to jump out of my laptop and give me three wishes (first being she loses my email address).  Seriously, is there anyone left on the planet that believes this can actually happen?

email friend 2,         ) dumbasscountrygirl@redneckville.net (country cousin–seriously)  starts every email with “hi, this is T”  and ends them with, “my email address is  dumbasscountrygirl@redneckville.net.” i wonder when she gets an email from me and i don’t include my name or email address in the actual body of the email if she ever figures out who it is from?  I guess not, because she never replies  (or maybe she hasn’t learned that function yet)  btw this is the same cousin that writes…we are going over their tomorrow, unless i don’t here from them.

email friend 3,          jesuslovesme@bigasschurch.ORG, (various relatives and a few friends), more chain letters, mostly prayer requests, recipe exchanges or bible versus that i have to send to another 5 friends.  On occasion this turns into a sappy poem about a dying child/mother/sister/pastor/soldier with a tear jerker bible verse at the end meant to bring me to my knees asking for redemption.  Usually, i am on my knees puking.

email friend 4,           rumormonger@neverheardofsnopes.com\, this chick and her friends went crazy over the last year sending every little piece of misinformed Obama info imaginable including…obama is muslim, obamas not a real citizen, the counties that voted democratic in the 2000 election had a 12.5% crime rate compared to a 2% crime rate in those that voted republican….  other hilarious stories include killer bees that carried off a baby, a pregnant woman turns out to be a man…etc. etc…just read snopes.com— i quit reading each one and just hit reply…snopes.  my friend actually replied and asked me what snopes meant.

email friend 5,          tstylm4590@ibetthisistheinitialsofallherkids.com (98% sure this is also her password ) every other day she wants to get to know me just a little better…what time did i get up, what color are my shoes, what toilet paper do i use to wipe my ass, and last but not least, who will reply to this message?

email friend 6,            aerosmith_groupie@latest.internet.provider.com, my best friend, but a self proclaimed computer dork.  She still has dial up (lives in the sticks so that is a good excuse).  she calls me once a month and says i haven’t heard from you in awhile, and i say…check your email j, i’ve sent recent pics of the kids, a link to my new blog, a recipe for chocolate cake that you were supposed to send to five people, a video of me giving head to the guy down the street,several thousand prayer requests, a naked picture of obama with hillary clinton, 212 chain letters, and oh, in one…i actually just said HI!

summary:   if you see yourself in this list that is okay, see…i’m making fun of myself too, get it?

2nd summary:  email is fun when you are bored or want to forget your life

im pissed because:  i’ve already got the shakes thinking about my upcoming weekend with no internet…

snopes—airplane with no wing

why do atheists hate christmas???

I don’t understand why so many atheists actually HATE christmas.  I understand that they have no understanding of what it means to know God, but many of them are so full of hate for those of us that do.

I am totally into religious freedom.  I don’t believe the country was based on GOD or Christianity as many christians do.  Although most of the founding fathers were christians, I believe they wanted a country where everyone was able to believe as they chose.  Our country is so unique in that way; except many of us are not able to belive as we choose without some serious hatred from the sidelines.

It is offensive to me that Christmas is under attack.  It is offensive to me that Home Depot sells Holiday Trees with holiday gifts and holiday decorations.  Bullshit!  It is not holiday trees.  They are Christmas trees.  They started as a CHRISTMAS tradition.  Stockings-Christmas, gifts under the tree-Christmas, toy shops-Christmas, Santa Clause–FREAKING CHRISTMAS, Rudolph the red nose reindeer–CHRISTMAS!!!!   I don’t call a manora a holiday candle holder do I?  No!

I do not want retailers to force their employees to say merry christmas to me if they don;t celebrate.  I don’t mind if they say–have a good day, happy Kwanza, or kiss my ass—what i do mind is when they aren’t ALLOWED to say merry christmas.  What I do mind is that I can’t put a kids drawing of a christmas tree on my workplace website because it could be offensive to someone viewing the website.  What in the hell is offensive about a child choosing to draw a christmas tree with gifts under it?  If any of the children had submitted a drawing of the Holiday Armadillo I would have posted that too. I do mind that I have to take a vacation day from work to spend a FEDERAL HOLIDAY with my family.  Hell yes, I mind that.

I do mind when kids aren’t allowed to wear red/green because they are christmas colors because a parent complained.   I do mind that a FEDERAL HOLIDAY cannot be talked about in schools, on the streets, in “Diverse” workplaces(our workplace is so diverse we can’t mention religion, have crosses in our offices, etc.  that is not promoting diversity, that is hiding the differences in people.) in goverment buildings etc.

What it seems to me is that in an effort to promote freedom to believe as we choose, christians who believe in the birth of Jesus (the day we celebrate his birth) are now having to hide our beliefs to make sure others aren’t offended.  If the atheists have their way, one day soon, I will not be able to wish someone merry christmas in any governement building, in retail establishments, or on the street.  Much like Christians in communist russia were not allowed to celebrate christmas, have portraits of Jesus or go to church.

Read some of the posts from atheists all over the web.  It is sad really that they have no soul and no beliefs and spend so much time hating me because I do.

I respect people for their beliefs, their opinions, their choices—but they have to respect me too.

summary: FUCK The atheists who want to kill my christmas spirit–JESUS rules!

i’m pissed because:  Home Depot has holiday trees on sale and I am boycotting them.

so, who is up for holiday egg hunting this spring?  How about spring egg hunt?  Egg Celebration Day?

Merry Tossmas 2008

I’m totally dead “down there”

I have absolutely no interest in sex, the opposite sex, the same sex, any sex.  seriously.  It is weird.  I have ALWAYS been a little extra frisky in the gettin busy department.  It has been two years and I just don’t care.  I am no longer heartbroken over the big JC loss, but just not interested in putting myself out there at all.   I try, on occasion, to care that I am lonely, but I don’t really care and I am too busy to be lonely.  On occasion, in the middle of an especially wine induced stupor i try to get jiggy with it…and my jiggy just don’t get it.  My jiggy forgot how to jig i think.

That is too bad, because sex and love and lust is so much fun–even alone in my own bed it was fun.  I’m only 36 yrs. old, surely it will all come back to me soon.  Maybe one day soon I will mow down the weeds and dust off the cobwebs and take this sucker out for a spin…it is too hard to concentrate on smelling good and tasting good and looking sexy and finding clean underwear, much less matching underwear and bras.  I don’t know how woman keep it up for so long.

I think it could be my meds.  Since they are mood stabilizers, i cannot go hypo and get crazy loin fever.  I had two “papa don’t preach” babies, so I know what it is like to go crazy fucking some cowboy-boot wearing, pool playing, two-stepping cowboy.  Let me tell you, its kind of fun to go wild and be the most beautiful babe in the room and know that you can have almost any man around.  (mania talking).  It is a definite ego boost and very stimulating.

problem one, i know, is my size 16 ass refuses to melt away.  I don’t care too much about losing weight right now, probably because that leads to new panties and new panties always leads to someone taking them off of me.  As long as i am this fat I know I will never want a man messing around down there.

I think, too, though, that I know what happens to me when I start paying attention to that other person.  I become frantic, concentrating on me and only me, forgetting my kids, forgetting my life, forgetting that I am a mom first.  I don’t want to hurt my kids any more than I have already, so I think my deadness in my nether regions is saving my kids for me and that is a good thing.  I’m only 36 and I have plenty of time to get busy with some other cowboy.  until then, i’m saving so much money on birth control, bikini panties, cinnamon flavored body oil  etc.

Summary:  who needs a chastity belt when you have mood stabilizers and size 16 jeans.

Im pissed because:  The expiration date on my cinnamon flavored body oil is next wednesday.

j

Safe haven law not for you? Try walking in someone else’s shoes.

What would you do if your daughter threw a chair at her teacher and you had to take off work for an entire day and help the school and local police search all over town for her?  Ground her?  Take her to the doctor?  Call the police?  Tie her up?

What would you do if the only doctor that accepts your insurance has a 45-day waiting list, if you come in that day and fill out the paperwork.  Put her in a hospital?  Use a self-pay doctor.  Take her to the emergency room?

What if she has to be care flighted to a hospital after taking an overdose and then the emergency room releases her and tells you that she is not suicidal and they can’t admit her, the mental hospital has to have a referral too and since she isn’t suicidal, only angry,  you have to wait 45 days until you can get in to a doctor.

What do you do the next week when she bites you on the shoulder while you are trying to take her to school?  When she throws a rock at your head?   Kicks her grandfather in the stomach?  Screams that she is going to kill herself and runs out onto the roof of your house?  Call the cops?  Watch them while they take her in handcuffs to a detention center and then call and bring her back home because it is too full and there is no space for another kid.  And, did i mention, the psyche eval says she isn’t really suicidal, just angry (the third evaluation in 2 weeks.)

What do you do when you have tried 5 different medicines and she is still kicking and screaming every day on some meds, but sleeping all day on others.  When she can literally cry for 5 hours straight and then skip around hugging people three hours later?  When she is so up and down and crazy that you can see the crash that is coming and know that one wrong word will set her off and that everyone in the house has to walk a fine line to keep it from setting her off—and everyone you live with believes that mental illness is just another word for spoiled daughter and lazy mother.

What do you do when you have no ideas left, when you are mentally and emotionally exhausted, when the police and probation officers have no place to put her when she breaks probation, when your seven year old has bad dreams about being thrown off the balcony?

Do you drive your kid the 1000 miles to Nebraska and let someone else take over for awhile?  Do you let others convince you that it is all your fault and you should let someone else try?  Do you send her to her dads and let him leave her in his house alone all day and let her do anything she wants?

You just get up another day and do it.  You try to get her out of bed without a fight, you ignore the cussing, you learn when and when not to push it, you keep your other child away when it isn’t safe and teach her to learn to read her moods.  You don’t take a happy moment for granted.  You watch her swallow her meds everyday and listen to the school complain about sleeping in class, while you remember the alternatives.  Then, you pray for another good day–until there is a set back.  Then, when there is a set back, enough of a set back that the probation officer steps in to do something…you sigh a sigh of relief for a few days because for just a little while you get to live a slightly normal life.

Savannah says i want her to go away, that i enjoy it, is she right?  No,  i don’t want that! i don’t!  i want a daughter who isn’t on probation, who didn’t hold her sister up over the balcony, who doesn’t steal cigarettes and get caught with them at school.  I want a daughter who is happy, who has friends, who can stay out past 8 pm, who brushes her teeth and has a boyfriend and isn’t so sad all the time and doesn’t have scars all over her arms. I don’t have that daughter, but I love the daughter i do have very much.

This safe-haven law in Nebraska is a wake up call to America.  Something has to be done to help these kids.  Maybe a lot of it is the parents fault that these kids are not disciplined enough or aren’t getting the help they need, i know I am guilty of that for sure.  But, a lot of this is society, the mental health and health care industries, the juvenile justice system and children’s services systems.  I can see how difficult it is for them.

It takes a village to raise a child.  As a nation it is our responsibility to figure out a way to help these parents who can’t do it alone.  You may be awesome at raising your perfect child, but don’t judge others until you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.

So, tell me, what would you do? I’m open to more ideas.

Summary:  Some days i wish my parents would drop me off at a hospital in Nebraska

I’m pissed because:  I’m too sad to be mad.

http://www.theinformationparadox.com/

http://anyonecare.wordpress.com/2008/09/27/abortion-of-older-children-teens-too/

Write love on your arm…

I just found this organization and tomorrow is the day. Write love on your arm to show support and to let others know that cutting, self-harm, suicide and depression are treatable.

Savannah has been cutting for 2 years and burning herself with cigarettes about 6 months. i don’t understand the release it brings her, but it does do something for her, helps her cope in some way, helps her control her anger, etc. so many other kids do it–even AJ did some too. It is so sad to see all this destruction and self hate in these kids. Go to www.twloha.com to learn more.

clipped from www.twloha.com To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.  TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. The vision is that we actually believe these things… You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters. clipped from worshipcity.wordpress.com November 13th is the 2nd Annual To Write Love on Her Arms Day. It’s simple, write LOVE on your arm tomorrow and hopefully encourage someone who may be handling a tough situation.

LOST!!!

The best thing about winter (perhaps the only good thing) is, of course, LOST!  I can’t wait.  This video of Sawyer is awesome, i wish i was on a desert island with him.  There has always been much discussion over Sawyer or Jack.  There is no freaking contest.  SAWYER all the way.  I love grungy looking, funny, sarcastic men.  My love of this type of man is the obvious reason for the string of broken relationships with total assholes, but most of them were pretty damn hot in a Sawyer way.  Of course, alot of the reason for my failed broken relationships is because i am a freak and go crazy crazy crazy when i am in love and then get sad sad sad when i break up and then get obsessed obsessed obsessed (obsessed) when i can’t get over it.  so I think much of the problem is me and i would have that problem even if i were dating someone like Jack.

(this is no way takes away the sentence about the men being assholes)

summary:  winter sucks unless you live on a desert island with sawyer.  I have an incurable urge to date and then attempt to murder assholes, this has interfered with possibilities of future reunions with said assholes, so that is a good thing.

i’m pissed off because:  i’m not cute like freckles