jane eyre…

I just watched the masterpiece classics version of Jane Eyre…with Savannah, mom and Kati.  It was so good and romantic and beautiful and even scary at times.  I just love the part where she tells him that she doesn’t want to live far from Thorndale Hall, far from him…and he says he loves her…and  then years later she finds him again, all alone.  AAAAGH…it is such the epitomy of a victorian romance novel.  Mom, Savannah and I all laughed at how much we all totally had the hots for him because he was so dark and brooding, and had long hair, and was really sarcastic…Kati hated all the kissing parts.

It is fun to have no men around and just be girls sometimes.

j

I’m thankful that I had a great evening home with my mom and Savannah.  That is pretty rare.

my post on another blog…but this is mine…

You Have No Idea

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear Mom and Dad:

I love you and appreciate how much you have done for me and my kids, but please stop reminding me what a good girl I was and telling me how to raise my own kids. You have no idea.

I know the music they listen to is wild and crazy and yes, there are cuss words in it. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I listened to anything other than Garth Brooks–I had a poster of Axle rose in my closet smoking a joint. I spent the night with a friend and went to a Motley Crue concert. The band that talked about shouting at the DEVIL!!!

It is really horrible that S sneaks cigarettes and hides in the woods to smoke them–how could i possibly raise such a horrible daughter that hides in the woods smoking-
I remember how good I was in the afternoons taking care of the horses out in the pasture.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I spent years in the woods “riding horses” while I was actually inhaling gasoline and spray paint fumes from paper lunch sacks, trying my best to get high from the time i was 12 years old.

I know 15 is a little young to be on birth control pills and I should teach abstinence instead of promoting sex. YOU HAVE NO IDEA–how many times i thought i was pregnant before I actually did get pregnant in high school YOU HAVE NO IDEA how many guys I had sex with. Even after all the abstinence talk (at 15 years old)

I know I should make A. get a job. He is old enough isn’t he. I know how responsible i was at 17. I remember all the money I earned at Pizza Hut and buying all my own clothes from the time i was 16. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I sold hits of acid that i kept inside a dress on one of my teddy bears. I bought sheeets of acid in Dallas with my Pizza Hut tips and turned around and sold them for $300. I bought an entire keg for a party when I was 16. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I probably should think seriously about not letting S. use her cell phone at night, she does need her sleep. I know, I was not allowed to use the phone after 9pm and had to be in the bed by 10:30. YOU HAVE NO IDEA, I snuck out almost every night and ran to the payphone at the store down the street and within ten minutes would be at a party somewhere hanging out until dawn.

I know I should punish them for making bad grades. Yes, S. could have done better in her math class last year. I remember what a good student I was. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how many tests I stole the answers for. Everyone at school knew where to get them and paid me for them. Remember the time i got caught selling answers and failed my chemistry test during senior year? That was the only time I got caught after YEARS of stealing tests, or boinking the government teacher that lived down the street.

I know me and the kids and the psychiatrists use bipolar disorder as an excuse for bad behaivor and lazy parenting. I completely understand that even when I did go crazy and run away to Mexico at 15, and when I became suicidal and cried every day for three months that you were not going to let me make that mental illness excuse that others were making. Everyone is 100% responsible for themselves, or they should be in some kind of a home somewhere. I’m glad you let me go years and years without medication even though you knew that others in your family had committed suicide or been hospitalized. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I self medicated from the time I was 12. You have no idea how much I suffered because I was different and crazy or so depressed I couldn’t move.

I know and remember what an awesome little girl I was. I was a credit to my parents that raised me and it is a shame that my kids are lacking. Maybe one day I will heed your advice and start disciplining my children appropriately. When that happens, we can all be glad for the advice you have given me, that helped keep my children out of the slums and off the streets.

Thank you

The daughter you know nothing about.

telling secrets…

  Now, remember my lead motto is  What I’ve done is not who I am…but…

M.D. who i had a two year affair with in 96-98, right before I moved here, has just FB’kd me…he and I grew up together, he is a year younger, but lived down the road from me and we played basketball together as teenagers.  Anyway, I saw him at a wedding when we were both married and we ended up getting jiggy with it on the golf course—okay…that is not the first and only time I have been on that golf course with a dude..but later story…

So, we ended up spending a couple of fun years together until his wife found out and broke the news to my husband…Fuckwad exhusband…anyway.  They divorced and I divorced for diffeerent reasons…So, now Matt is as hot as ever and wants to see me in March when he comes to Austin (he is remarried)  and I am like—no, I am dying of cancer, you can’t see me, because

a.  I don’t have affairs with married men anymore
b.  Did you read the words “he is hot”…my ass and “he is hot” is not going to work well.
c.  how am i ever going to respect myself in the morning if I don’t stop having sex with men who are in reality—sleezeballs—no matter how hot, rich, talented, cool they pretend to be.

I would have given up my exercise in chastitiy years ago if I was just gonna sleep with any old ex-boyfriend/lover that jumped up and said Hi.

I’m really thankful—that I don’t have fat pictures of myself up on facebook

Summary:  yeah yeah, I used to love to have sex with married men…danger, excitement, romance and plus my husband always smelled like beer and cigarettes. 

The funny thing is I just told my best friend in C. about this, and of course she knows M. so she is in total SHOCK!

my best birthday ever…and the worst

Wow, December 9th 2000!  I had three AWESOME friends—Jenny, Ali and Alicia and they were great–probably the best friends I have ever had (and have now–at least Jen and Ali) anyway, I was newly single from fuckwad exhusband and then dumbass volleyball rebound dude…so I was SKINNY and loving it…and also incredibly manic.

I think it was a Wednesday, and I had planned a little after work party for the loyal employees of the bookstore I worked at…at a badass taproom type eatery/bar with the most AWESOME chicken wings and ribs (seriously awesome) and so, after about 5 yummy creamy bailey’s irish cream type drinks (i believe they were called scooby doos) I made my way over to the cutest bartender ever and tried unsuccesfully to flirt with him…but since his girlriend was a waitress, that didn’t work out..   he told me i should get my belly button pierced—and I did, right next door…and it hurt like hell, but i felt so GREAT!  So happy to be away from fuckwad ex and dumbass rebound dude I was flirty and cute and skinny and had lots of friends and a couple of really great friends.

I don’t think i will ever forget that birthday because i felt so good and happy.

I wish i felt that good and happy all the time.  That was 2000—in 2001, number 30, I was sitting in the hospital waiting room while my little kati-pie was having emergency heart surgery. Everyone was asking me how it felt to be 30 and i was like “are you freaking kidding me, my baby is in the hospital—i could care less that i am 30 years old.”Only 1 year later and my life had totally changed.

December 9, 2006, I literally wanted to die from the JC breakup–I stopped at one of the overlooks on the way to the babysitter’s house and seriously contemplated ramming my car through the chain link fence.  Thank god I didn’t–Thank my kids I didnt,  that break up kept me crying for 18 months, and now, 2008—I am a college graduate, my kids are a little fucked but mostly healthy (except for the strep throat we’ve had all week) and for the first time in my life i don’t feel the need to have a boyfriend.  Very liberating.

So, I am not as happy as i have been before, but i see happiness ahead of me somewhere and I know I will find it out there somewhere. I miss my friends so much and miss all the fun I used to have.  Miss being cute and really miss my sexy tummy.  Miss my kids being little and sweet.  But, truly honestly completely do not miss being 29.

The good thing is I am not nearly as sad as I have been before.  I’m in between but mostly happy for now.  Hoping depression d oesn’t creep back in.

summary—i’m fucking old, but have a few good years left in me

I’m pissed because—I miss JENNY.

I’m thankful for:  my kids–they are the only reason I didn’t kill myself two years ago—They have each saved me from myself more than once.

Tweet tweet, tweet-a-leet…im all a twitter…

coolio hoolio, i am a twittering freak.  I am all about this new social networking craze–why, because i work in nonprofit communications/marketing and this is an AWESOME way to get the word out about your org.  So, i am facebook, wordpress, digg it, flickring, tweeting fool!!!  I am looking for a new job and i really need to have some experience with all the various possibilities…and their are literally thousands already.  no, i will not use this blog as an example of my best work.  I don’t blog from my work, but I blog about my nonprofit on other sites.

Its fun.  I unfortunately don’t have many friends following me right now because none of my friends are tweeting, although i have 75 Facebook friends and that happened over night.  So, i follow others and really enjoy reading the news this way and finding people to follow and read about their daily lives.  It is rather interesting.  i notice alot of bloggers out there tweeting and i assume this might be a good way to invite users to your blog.

Digg It is also a good way to get users to your blog.  I love Digg too because I absolutely LOVE the news and reading interesting news that isn’t necessarily from my usual reading list is very cool, very broadening i think.    I got more blog hits by posting my blog address to my Digg profile than any other way, but, i realized it too was tied to my gmail account so it could be accessed and i could be found eventually.  God, i would really hate that.  I love the anonimity of this mom in hell thing.  is anonimity a word?

I also really LOVE FLickr.  I have joined several photography groups and one of my photos one a cool award in a group.  it is really awesome when someone comments on a photo, invites a photo to a group or faves a photo of mine.  I am upgrading to a full account for my birthdya and plan on buying a new camera soon too.  I feel this is a hobby where i can make some local friends and I really need friends…more on that later.

so, now i have an alter ego everything…a new yahoo address, a new twitter account, a new digg account…i am a freak living a double life, but it is cool until i get bored with it.  As i have stated before, anything to divert myself.

btw.  I had a one night fling with a black guy on second life.  he asked me if i liked to swing—swing— on Amity Island—you can seriously see Jaws swimming in the ocean out there.  so we went skinny dipping, then went to the drive in and tried to make out.  It was interesting.  i got bored fast and realized by the weird pauses between conversation that he probably had a wife somewhere walking in and he was scared to get caught.

Did you read that story…hold on, i have to digg it up…lol…woman divorces husband for second life affair... seriously…this is fucked up.  it is true, there are two people dumb enough to meet on a virtual world site, have a virtual wedding and still live virtual lives while they sit side by side at their laptops…and then they divorce over virtual affairs.  Again, WHAT THE FUCK.

so, soon, maybe tonight i will try to figure out how to post my twitter address on my site and if you want to follow my tweeting i would LOVE IT.

Tomorrow, more about my wonderful week with Savannah—but tomorrow night could end it all cause we are going to the big city and she could go insane with all the lights and glitter.  ha ha

Have you noticed some of my sarcasm has wained, i’ve been pretty happy lately.

Summary:  Twittering is the next big thing—i bet in a year it is the BIGGEST thing in social networking.  Did you hear FB tried to buy Twitter and they would not sell—500 million freaking dollars?  read about it here.

I’m pissed because…I keep twittering and blogging and facebooking and flickring and I forgot to brush my teeth three days in a row  (ha, not really, but i haven’t shaved my legs in three weeks)

I’m thankful for:  I almost got laid on second life.  The dude looked just like the hot dude from criminal minds.

j

I am a person with an internet disability…people first ;)

Damn, i have been trying to post for a freaking hour tonight and now it is after 11 pm, and this could actually post on tomorrow which means i have already failed at posting everyday for a month, on day 3—but it is still day three to me!!!!   There are so many people out there with no idea what it means to be internet disabled.

I live in the boonies of hell…the term BFE come to mind?  Now, the big kids and i say B F’n E cause that is where we live…right in the middle of no internet connection hell!!!  Seriously, we live on a mountain of a huge hill and there are trees all around us and a river and the hill is so steep that we couldn’t go to town for four days in a row last year cause of ice.  NO RAILINGS on our little bitty suck-ass road.  So, of course, Verizon thinks that no way are these mountain folk gonna need high speed internet.

Satellite you say?  HA!  Ever heard the term “clear view of the the southern sky”?  Well, we don’t have it.

So, i resort to AT&T– for 75 bucks a month i have a little doohickey (yes that is a real word) hanging out of the side of my computer so that while i am upstairs, in my room or our living room up here, I can usually, but not always get some kind of internet connection—as long as the weather is perfect, and all the planets and stars are aligned properly.

Tonight, not so good!  I literally have been trying to post a photo to wordpress for an hour from my flickr account.  It is a great photo.  you should see it, but you can’t because my internet freaking sucks!  Then, right when it starts to go through, i can see that the thinking process has ended and the phto is about to upload…BAM, my little doohicky gets knocked off the side of the computer by my dumbass dog.  FUCK!

So tell me Mr. Verizon dude from the phone company that keeps pretending that all of his customers have internet broadband access—why the fuck is it that I live 27 miles from one of the biggest and best universities in the country and 18 miles from one of the top three public universities in the state of Texas…and only 27 miles from the high tech capital of the US (i think-right?)  and you don’t think it is cost effective to put in broadband cable?

Summary   YOU SUCK! Verizon that is.

I’m pissed because I live in the 1800’s out here when it rains or the wind blows a little bit i am stuck reading the weather on my cell phone.

I’m thankful for:   the internet—what in the hell would i be up doing all night long without it.

materialism, greed and christmas…

They go hand in hand right?  It is amazing how the joy of giving has become the expectation of receiving for so many people.  How people go crazy trying to outdo each other-especially when it comes to kids.

I grew up lower middle class.  We had good christmases.  I remember times when my grandmother (bigmamma) would give my mom money to shop for us from her and then we would have to return it after christmas to pay the electric bill.  One year it was a VCR–like in 1985 when VCR’s were not in every room of every house and a movie cost 60 bucks…remember.  I wanted that VCR so bad.

My kids have been lucky i think.  AJ told me that he doesn’t remember one time i have ever given him something he truly wanted.  THe ipod, he wanted a 4 gig and only got a 2 gig.  The playstation 2 , he wanted an XBOX, the ibanez guitar and amp, who knows what he wanted instead.  All of the above presents, he has lost, sold or let someone have (the guitar he let a friend have).  The playstion 2 he sold for 15 dollars.  He told me that a few weeks ago and I wondered where i have gone wrong with him.  I have never had much money at christmas and have sold stuff, not payed a bill, or borrowed a little money to give the kids at least one nice thing each year.  I also made sure to buy them a good book each year.  When he moved out, he threw his books away.  How could they have no sentimental value to him at all?

The best gifts for me are about the sentiment…a book i loved as a child is an important gift for me to give my kids.  This year I am buying my dad a copy of Where the red fern grows—READ THIS BOOK—because my grandaddy loved the book so much.  Grandaddy read the book when he was 70 years old and cried his eyes out.  I say again—read this book!

Apparently, it isnt about the sentiment too much anymore, when people are stomping all over others in an attempt to get a sale price on a new tv.  Its not about the joy of giving anymore is it…poor Jesus, how sad he must be to see his birthday desecrated in such a way.

This year AJ is getting a pair of socks and a sweatshirt for christmas…with a box of job applications.

summary:  How do poor people spoil their kids?  What do i do different with Kati-pie?

I’m pissed because: someone died at Walmart under a pack of crazy wild animals trying to get a good deal.

I’m really pissed about that.  What is happening to humanity?

Im thankful for: my favorite christmas memory as a child—my parents were really broke, dad hadnt worked in 2 months so we all wrote on index cards what we would do that day for another person in the family.   that was nice and it didn’t cost anything.

Did you see the moon tonight…badass…

It was beautiful, the crescent moon shining bright with venus and jupiter only a few feet away-(  Jupiter is 250 million miles away, venus is 94 million and the moon only 235,000…WOW.

We saw it on the drive home from picking up Kati with Ms. Eva-babysitter.  Its funny, I called another friend of mine to tell her and she was like…no big deal.  I think it is so weird when people don’t have natural curiosity about nature, or beauty-don’t you?

It is amazing to me to think about some family in Texas, 2000 years ago, finsihing their dinner and looking up at the moon with jupiter and venus and all the stars around and wondering if something was about to happen, if it was a sign of something good…or bad.  Did they freak out? Hide? Pray?  Smoke the good smoke and  imagine themselves up in space?

Amazing…

Even Savannah was excited and took her camera out to get pictures.  By the time i got home jupiter and venus were already behind the trees.

Kati asked me if we could look up online how many stars there are-she loves ask.com.  I told her that no one in the entire world except god knows how many stars there are.  She was amazed at that possibilty.  That no one knows.  I remember once sitting alone in the dark on the beach one night…bout stoned out of my mind, thinking that for every grain of sand i was sitting on their was at least one star in the sky.  Have you ever seen the stars from a beach 50 miles from any light source except flashlights?  It is amazing what you think you see in the city, even in my little country area, and then to go so much further away and really see it!

And some people can just sit in their homes and stare at the tv and not even bother to check it out.

God is so amazing.

Tonight I am thankful that God gave us the wonderful stars in the sky and that my two beautiful girls  both have enough wonder and curiosity in them to want to go out and see them and take pictures and talk about them.

summarry:  The stars at night, are big and bright…DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!!!   (and in other places, just better here)

I’m pissed because…my freaking dog Marley will not keep his ass off my laptop.  When I open it he thinks that means i want to pet him

BTW:  Both Kati and Savvy are asleep beside me tonight.  Sav is lonely and has been sleeping with me for two days now.

j

The fuckwad father of my kids…

So many of my friends are tired of listening to my rants about my exhusband…the fuckwad father of my two oldest kids.

Life with him was misery from Day 1-and I am sure I will get to many of those sordid details eventually.

July-I take Savannah to our hometown, where he still lives, to visit my family for a fourth of july shindig at the mudding pits (yes, you heard me, muddin’ pit-people who pay to take their trucks and four wheelers round and round in circles in waist deep piles of brown mud).  try it. its fun!

anyway, so fuckwad sees Sav and AJ all of 2 days that weekend, but she wants to stay and visit…so he tells me he can’t bring her all the way home so I have to meet him halfway-176 miles is halway.  I can’t because my car is in the shop and I have to take off work with nothing to drive all week…so, he says I will have to pay him 100 bucks to bring her home…after I had taken her all the way there, not only over the fourth, but also at Easter.  FUCKWAD.  But, I paid, because she wanted to stay and see friends and I needed a break.

She calls him a month ago and asks if he can come and get her for Thanksgiving and he says No because he only gets three days off work.  So, he can’t spend one day coming to get her and one day bringing her home, So i said i would meet him halfway.  Fucker decides to take call over the holiday so he can get overtime, which means he can’t come get her.  So, his parents meet me to take her and AJ to their house for Thanksgiving so they can see their cousins and friends.  He sees them 1 day for about 8 hours. Then, his parents bring them all the way home.  His mom told me because I always bring them home 4 times per year, they can bring them back to me on occasion.

I don’t know how i found such a loser, mostly because my self esteem was so bad as a teenager, and I fell so in love with him.  He started hitting me within a month after we married, kicked me in the stomach when i was pregnant with AJ, cheated on me with a 15 year old girl, cheated on me again when i was pregnant with sav., didn’t pay child support for 4 years until i had him arrested but the worst thing this son of a bitch fuckwad has done is not care about seeing his kids, not coming to see them, not seeing any baseball or basketball games.  How on earth are there men out there that can be such pieces of shit.

As you can tell, I am still not over the hatred I feel for him.  Everytime I try to give him a break he helps me realize, once again, that he is a fuckwad.

My poor kids.

Summary-my poor kids.  As much as I hate their dad, it will never equal the amount they love him, and will always love him, because he is their dad.

I’m pissed because-I wasted 14 years of my life with a man who isn’t worth the gum on the bottom of my shoes.

This month I am dong the blog a day thing, and the topic is thanks.  So, each day I will write a thank you to God at the end of each post.

Thank you god for giving me the nerve and courage to leave fuckwad and move 300 miles away to start my new life.

My thanksgiving

blanco river at the camp

I spent the last week in a wonderful state of thanksgiving celebration and have been unable to write because my family has been so close and i have been unable to get away.  We have a huge family reunion camp out every year with aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, etc…lots of fun.  We all sleep in two rooms of a huge bunkhouse and try our best to sleep through the snores of the others.  Sharing one bathroom, no heater (fireplace)  thank god it didn’t get too cold this weekend.  So, there was no internet connection for three days.  Then, took off to Round Rock to spend another four days with my brother and his wife…sleeping on the living room floor and although i had computer, i had no free time or private time to even think about blogging..since i don’t want them to see my blog.

so, for my glorious readers…all 3 of you…sorry!

other thinks i am thankful for…Savannah was gone since Monday…till today.  It was wonderful and she had fun with her grandparents and friends.  Glad she got to go.  Also, spent lots of quality time with Kati-pie, it was her birthday so we celebrated with olive garden and watching lost all day today!

Now, back to ranting…